


say a prayer for the broken bones

by baetokkis



Category: Red Velvet (K-pop Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Blood and Injury, F/F, Friends to Strangers to Friends to Lovers, a lot of emotional and physical pain i'm sorry, aspiring doctor joohyun, fighter seulgi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-01
Updated: 2020-05-16
Packaged: 2021-03-01 21:54:48
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 23,963
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23954176
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/baetokkis/pseuds/baetokkis
Summary: Joohyun's neighbor must think she's her guardian angel — that's the only thing that explains why Seulgi keeps showing up at her window in the middle of the night for her to take care of her wounds.Or, in which Seulgi comes and goes, battered and worn out, always to places Joohyun can't follow.
Relationships: Bae Joohyun | Irene/Kang Seulgi
Comments: 30
Kudos: 211





	1. bloodsport

**Author's Note:**

> this idea came to me when i was kind of playing with my friend about random words to come up with a plot, so i tried to write. it's probably going to be a twoshot, but i'm not sure how long i'll take to finish the second chapter, so... no promises. but i hope you guys enjoy it anyway. 
> 
> also, fic title comes from the song carry on by 5sos, and chapter title (and part of the inspiration for the story itself) from bloodsport by raleigh ritchie

Uncertainty was never one of Joohyun’s strong suits.

She’s steadfast, concise,  _resolute_ . She doesn’t hesitate, neither does she leave things half done. In a sense, she’s very precise with things she needs to deal with and, to be honest, she likes it. She likes the routine, the safety its predictability assures. It keeps her grounded and steady. 

To be caught in _uncertainty,_ of all things, it’s just not the way she was built. But there’s probably something wrong, an explanation to elucidate all the glitches she’s been experiencing like some sort of flaw in the system. 

She doesn’t know how to deal it, not when those glitches are so damn frequent when it comes to  _her_ .

  
  


-

  
  


It first happens after one of the many important dinners her father has to attend to. He’s a general surgeon, a very respected one in the small town they live, and some of those dinners demand the perfect family image she’s getting tired of.

So, she gets home later than usual – exhausted and drained like she’d ran a marathon. 

At first, when she sets foot in her bedroom, Joohyun thinks she’d accidentally left the window open for being in such a hurry to leave, but once she notices the blood stains on the floor, she feels herself frozen to the spot, pale face following the blood drops, and that's when Joohyun actually sees her. 

She's lying on her carpet, shirtless, holding onto her own stomach with said shirt, which is now drenched.

"Seulgi?" Joohyun manages to let out in a breathy voice, heart racing. 

It had been a while since the last time Joohyun saw her, more so since the last time Seulgi had even come to her house. To see her in that condition after so long was, to say the least, surprising.

"I hope you still want to go to med school and your dad still teaches you some things," Seulgi jokes, clutching onto her abdomen even more tightly – the laugh she was holding probably made it hurt more – and she forces a grimace before continuing, "because I really need your help."

Joohyun doesn't say anything. She can't. Her eyes are glued to the blood path Seulgi left in her room – one that starts with hand prints on the window and finishes where a tiny pool of blood is gathered right above Joohyun's bedroom rug, exactly like some kind of horror movie.

Did Seulgi really came all the way from wherever she was, climbed on Joohyun’s window of all people, so she can get  _help_ ? 

It probably wasn't her greatest moment of sanity, but that’s Seulgi they’re talking about, so she lets it slide.

“What the hell have you got yourself into?” that’s all she can say, petrified and in horror. That injury doesn’t look good and the whole situation doesn’t look like something Seulgi would do. She’s certainly not the type that gets into fights.

For God’s sake, she’s a star track athlete. The last thing she needs is an injure that could compromise her next races.

“Can you help me?” Seulgi asks – or better, grumbles – at the same time she presses the shirt tighter. “I could just jump out of the window if you can’t and find someone else.”

Joohyun doesn’t doubt she would, but it’s very unlikely she finds someone willing to help her at this hour, so she freezes,  _unsure_ . She doesn’t like it, this feeling of helplessness that consumes her when she stares Seulgi in the eye is unsettling.

The look of confusion doesn’t leave Joohyun’s face and Seulgi watches her, waiting. 

Yet, she doesn’t move. She doesn’t speak. 

She  _hesitates_ – muscles frozen and blood raging in her veins. Hesitation wouldn't get them anywhere, especially Seulgi, who's still bleeding a lot from where she can see.

Even so, she still has a heart – an anxious, terrified one in that moment, but one that remains what it is, a  heart . And it still beats, it still  _loves_ .

Joohyun sighs, kneeling (or is it falling?) down to level eyes with Seulgi. 

She tells herself she doesn’t have a choice, not really.

So she whispers, almost like a prayer, “Of course I can.”

  
  


-

  
  


She should’ve known better than to assume it was a one time thing. Things are never as easy as they seem to be when it comes to Seulgi, so the second time happens after about a week (not enough time to completely heal all the previous injures, but enough for Seulgi to be able to stand up and get into another fight).

Joohyun comes home after a study session with her best friend and there she is, waiting for her again. 

Seulgi looks better than last time, if not for the black eye and bleeding nose. At least, her shirt is still on, even if there’s some blood on it and it’s stained with sweat and dirt.

“Again?” Joohyun hisses, with books on her hand and the door still spring open. 

Seulgi  _dares_ to smile, and Joohyun can see her teeth are also drenched in blood. 

“Yeah,” she says in defeat. “Can you please close the door?”

Joohyun sighs and does as told loudly, but she doesn’t come near Seulgi.

It’s not really hesitation, more like a moment of consideration. (Consideration of what? Joohyun hasn’t managed to figure out yet.)

“Tell me how that happened,” she demands. 

She probably doesn't sound as intimidating as she would like, because she can hear how her voice sounds much more fragile than it should, and at this, Seulgi raises an eyebrow, as if not expecting the question. But knowing Joohyun, Seulgi should’ve known better than to assume someone like her wouldn’t ask for something as simple as an explanation after the same thing has happened twice.

“I can’t.” Seulgi bites her bottom lip, almost as if she’s considering something. 

“You can’t or you won’t?” Joohyun half laughs, crossing her arms above her chest.

There’s no answer. No clever remark, no jokes, and Joohyun’s lips twitch back to a straight line.

“Who hurt you?” she tries again.

Nothing . Seulgi is very much still sitting on the floor and if it weren’t for her open eyes, it would be easy to assume she was asleep.

“Are you the one who keeps looking for trouble or they just… come after you?” Joohyun asks one more time, her voice a tone lower than before.

At that, Seulgi nods, albeit stiffly, and awkwardly points at herself.

“You can’t keep doing this,” Joohyun breathes out, even though she knows it’s in vain. She chews on her bottom lip thoughtfully, suddenly embarrassed at how soft her voice turned. “If the glass that cut your belly last time got stuck you would need stitches. Or even worse, you could bleed out and die.”

“Look, I’m _fine_ ,” Seulgi stresses the word. “You can’t tell me what to do.”

She clicks her tongue and rubs her right hand on her nose by force of habit, shuddering at the contact. 

It’s probably broken, Joohyun can see it from where she stands, but she doesn’t take the initiative just yet.

“You’re still as stubborn as I remembered,” she says before she can stop herself, and she hates how melancholic she sounds.

A beat of silence dreads in the air, her own words echoing in Joohyun's ears as some kind of bad joke.

“I’ll just go.” Seulgi’s voice is husky and as far as Joohyun can tell, she seems so drained from all the effort. She must’ve ran to get there, and the fight itself was probably exhausting enough.

She closes her eyes, tilting her head back to the ceiling, considering and analyzing the possibilities, but then her instincts snap her back to reality, and Joohyun’s back in, almost in automatic mode. 

“You can stay.”

After that, Joohyun begins to leave the window unlocked, just in case.

  
  


-

  
  


Seulgi comes and goes, but never says much – never enough for Joohyun to understand why she keeps doing what she does, whatever that is. It’s pointless to ask, even more to insist, so Joohyun lets her do whatever she wants.

The only certainty of this arrangement is that Seulgi always comes back, whether it’s midnight, or three in the morning. 

Whenever she needs.

  
  


-

  
  


It’s a matter of logic, so  _obvious_ that it’s almost pathetic to think about it over and over _–_ Joohyun can’t keep doing what she does. 

It hurts enough to see Seulgi at school, even if it’s just briefly, and it hurts even more when she sees her at night and all beaten up. She definitely can’t do it anymore, but then she thinks of Seulgi all alone in the night,  _bleeding_ , and she knows she can’t just leave her like that.

Maybe it’s just because Joohyun is a naturally a kind and good person by nature, or maybe that only happens because she is Seulgi and Joohyun will always have a soft spot for her. And it’s so painful to see her like this, risking her life for something Joohyun still has no clue of what it is. 

She wonders if she should’ve said no the first time, or maybe even the second time Seulgi showed up, but Joohyun can be a lot of things, except selfish. She could never just turn her back on Seulgi when it's obvious she needs help just because she doesn't want to be associated with her problems.

If she’d only cut ties before all this mess and told someone else about Seulgi, someone who could actually help her, then things should be fine by now, but it isn’t, and Joohyun can’t help but think she’s the one at fault.

She’s the one who keeps faltering,  _hesitating_ , and those glitches – those annoying flaws in the system – are occurring more and more frequently. And she can’t do anything other than to surrender to them. 

  
  


-

  
  


“How was your day today?” The words come out of Seulgi’s mouth as soon as Joohyun sits in front of her on the floor, strained and constricted as if Seulgi was just repeating words.

Joohyun exhales, squinting her nose and eyes, and her arm freezes mid-way, the gauze in her hand stopping right above the cut on Seulgi’s forehead.

“Are you asking me this just because I look boring treating this cut or is it because you actually want to know?” 

“Can’t it be both?” 

Joohyun snorts at the answer but doesn’t comment. 

Seulgi has a ghost of a smile on her face that Joohyun is not sure why is it there in the first place. She tries to ignore it by focusing on what she needs to do – which is to help Seulgi – and she moves her hand further but Seulgi grasps Joohyun’s wrist and carefully puts her hand back to her knee.

“I want to know, okay?” 

And there’s that feeling again, that lack of certainty that claws its way into Joohyun’s chest and she suddenly feels so warm it’s embarrassing. 

“I don’t know, it was like every other day.” Joohyun shrugs.

“And how are your other days?”

“They’re quiet.” She laughs. “You’re usually the most amusing part of them.” 

Seulgi arches an eyebrow, a little surprised by the answer. 

“Are you saying I’m an amusing person?”

Joohyun rolls her eyes, “Don’t put words in my mouth.”

Seulgi’s expression shifts to concerned and she leans against the wall, her eyes still focused on Joohyun. 

“Do you hate me?” she suddenly asks. “I would understand if you did.”

“Why are you even asking me this?” 

“You know why.”

For barging into her house at such an ungodly hour and demand a fix, for being a pain in the ass and keep coming back after each fight. Or for walking out of her life like Joohyun never meant anything to her. 

“Can’t I just patch this cut?” she asks, instead, but Seulgi doesn’t give up. 

She’s not the type that usually does, prying and prying until she gets what she wants. So annoyingly stubborn that Joohyun almost smiles at the remembrance of how things used to be between them – when they were friends and younger and things were way easier. 

“Why do you still do this? Help me, I mean.” 

Joohyun smiles. “I should be the one to ask you this. Why do you keep getting yourself hurt?” 

Joohyun moves the gauze again so she can continue what she started. This time, when it reaches the cut, Seulgi doesn’t stop her, but she also doesn’t seem willing to drop the subject.

“Well, I asked first.”

“You know me,” Joohyun starts, voice laced with melancholy. “I like to help people.”

Seulgi lightens up with the answer and she looks satisfied for some reason, her tight lipped smile giving her away. But then her face contorts back to its previous gloomy look, and she asks, in a tiny voice Joohyun rarely if ever associates with her, “Even me?”

The question hangs heavily in the air, all the words that were left unsaid weighting on Joohyun. She presses her lips together, shoulders taught beneath her shirt as she stops moving the gauze altogether. 

_Even me?_

Joohyun stiffly nods, tension drifting away as she murmurs, “Yeah, even you.”

Seulgi seems to relax at that.

“Why did you come here in the first place?” Joohyun blurts out. There’s no anger, but the passivity of the question could come across as something other than that. “I mean, you could always go to your girlfriend’s for help, but you come here. To my house. Why?”

S eulgi looks taken aback and she finds herself frowning at the sudden mention of a girlfriend. She bites her lower lip and focus her gaze on something else that isn’t Joohyun. Yet, no words come out of her mouth.

Joohyun waits, patiently. She wants Seulgi  to seem surprised and ask _what girlfriend?_ but that was probably too much to hope for.

“Do you want me to leave?” it’s all she says. 

_Yes_ , but the answer doesn’t come out as she expects to, and she must be a masochist or something close to one because when Joohyun comes to it, she’s already muttering, “No.”

“Are you mad at me?” 

Joohyun frowns, but doesn’t answer. There’s no reason for her to be mad at Seulgi, at least not  _now_ , but she’s the definitely not the happiest with that silent agreement of treating her wounds. Especially because that meant she would continue to get hurt. 

“I just want you to stay still while I finish.” So Seulgi does.

They’re quiet until Joohyun finishes adjusting the bandage on Seulgi’s cut. She looks at her work, proud for not messing it up, and smiles, “There, all patched up.”

Seulgi stands up, holding out a hand for Joohyun to do the same, and when she does, Seulgi pulls it in a swift movement and leaves a soft kiss on the pale skin, probably longer than it should.

“Thank you,” she says, her lips still brushing on the back of her hand and leaving behind that annoying feeling of feathers in Joohyun’s belly.

And just like that, Seulgi starts walking towards the window again, even though she’s limping a bit.

She ha d never stayed the night. Even when Seulgi could barely walk or stand, she would always leave, like she was drawing a clear line between them. 

It’s not like Joohyun  is unaware of their  _differences_ , or unaware of her position compared to Seulgi. They studied together ever since she could remember, and lived close to each other for even longer, but that didn’t mean they were friends. Not anymore, at least.

Of course, they had pictures together from their toddler years and playing during kindergarten, but as they grew up, they drifted apart. It wasn’t even dramatic, they just gradually stopped talking, then stopped  hanging out . By the time they started  high school , they were just neighbors who happened to be at the same class. 

But Joohyun’s okay with that. Considering her social status, Seulgi wouldn’t want much to do with her anyway. While she is just another socially awkward student, working hard to get a scholarship on med school, Seulgi is _the_ Kang Seulgi. 

She has a plethora of friends to come by, admirers too.

At least that’s what Joohyun would always hear while walking around the halls – everyone at their school talked about Seulgi, whether it be about her looks or accomplishments or whatever else.

She’s artistic, athletic, beautiful, smart and to top it all she comes from a rich family and  she’s  _popular_ . 

Joohyun knows where they stand, and she wouldn’t dare cross that line.

But there’s also that piece of her that kind of misses Seulgi’s friendship, that misses having late night conversations about meaningful things or making stupid jokes they were the only ones who could understand, so that’s probably why Joohyun finds herself calling her out again in a tiny voice,  “Seulgi?” 

Seulgi stops on her tracks, turning back slightly only so she could look into her eyes as Joohyun speaks.

“Yeah?”

“I don’t hate you.”

Seulgi beams as if Joohyun just told her the best thing she’ d ever heard.

  
  


-

  
  


“You look like shit.”

Joohyun snaps back to reality with a groan, brushing strands of hair out of her face with a displeasure expression. She raises her eyes at the source of the voice, sighing loudly when she sees who it is.

“You’re such a great friend, Yerim.” 

She rolls her eyes and focus again on her books and notes spread on the library table, not in the mood to talk to her best friend. She hears when Yerim drops her bag carelessly on one of the chairs, but doesn’t look at her even when she sits by her side. 

“I guess you woke up on the wrong side of the bed,” Yerim mumbles, opening her textbook.

Joohyun presses her lips into a thin line and when she looks at her friend, Yerim already has her nose too buried on the pages to focus on anything else. Still, she tries.

“I’m sorry.” It’s barely audible, just above a whisper, but she can tell Yerim can understand her loud and clear. “I haven’t really slept last night.”

“I can see,” Yerim replies, and what was supposed to be teasing sounds a lot more as a concerned remark to Joohyun. “Did something happen?”

Joohyun shrugs, images of a soaked with blood Seulgi flashing right in front of her eyes as she recalls some of their late nights together. 

Last night, after Seulgi went home, Joohyun barely did more than blinking for too long, worried that something else could happen to Seulgi if she fell asleep. Her injuries were better if compared to the other nights, but she still had a limp, one that seemed to follow her since the very first few days, and by now Joohyun knew better than to expect she would quit whatever it was that she kept doing to hurt herself. 

“Just a lot in my mind, I guess,” Joohyun says nonchalantly, and attempts to smile. “You know, since next year is our last I keep thinking about college applications and...” _Seulgi_ , she thinks, but doesn’t say it out loud. She is not really in the mood to explain that strange arrangement they had, so she settles for a simple, “other stuff.”

Yerim hums in understanding. She doesn’t look completely convinced, but Joohyun tells herself it’s a start. 

“We should probably study, then,” she suggests. “Not that you need my help, but I could use some of your brain on this.” She points at her open notebook. “Anatomy’s been kicking my ass.”

Joohyun softly laughs at the reminder of Yerim’s aversion to anything related with Biology.

“You know I can always...” she drifts off, breath caught in her throat as the sound of the library’s door opening catches her attention and she sees _her_ again.

She’s surrounded with people. Jocks, cheerleaders, other athletes – her  _actual_ friends, the ones she should turn to when she needs something. 

Yerim follows her eyes, staring at Seulgi with a frown. She can see the injuries clearly – it’s not like a cut in the forehead is something easy to hide, neither is her broken nose (even if said nose is almost fully recovered). 

“Someone got her ass beaten up,” Yerim comments, the tone of her voice unmistakable – a joke. Joohyun doesn’t like it.

“Don’t,” Joohyun all but whispers, too tired to even manage a proper scold. 

“I’m just saying.” Her friend shrugs, holding her open palms in the air as if surrendering. “It’s been happening for a couple of months, isn’t it? It’s surprising her parents haven’t noticed yet.”

Joohyun chews on her bottom lip, not really paying attention to Yerim’s rant, but staring at Seulgi wide eyed. Her friends are surrounding her and they’re laughing a little too loud for people who are at a library, but Seulgi seems so weird in the middle of them, forcing out a laugh like she’s only trying to mingle, like she doesn’t belong there. The thought is ridiculous, Joohyun admits, and she can’t quite point out what it is, but she’s sure there’s something wrong. 

“Or they did,” Yerim continues, not noticing the worry that’s flashing in Joohyun’s eyes. 

“They probably did. Her parents usually turn a blind eye when the narrative doesn’t sit well with them,” she says through gritted teeth – the words bitter against her tongue. 

Yerim suddenly stops, turning her head so she can stare at Joohyun again, even though her eyes are still focused on the other girl. 

“You’re friends, right?” 

Joohyun scoffs.  _Friends._ The word seems so foreign when used to describe her relationship with Seulgi, but then again, what exactly are they?

“We were,” she says instead. There’s no need to dwell in the past, she reminds herself, neither does she want to.

“What happened between you two?” Yerim leans both her elbows on the table, supporting her head by the chin as she stares deeply into Joohyun's eyes – like a curious child wanting to know more than she needs to. 

“We grew apart. Nothing much.” Joohyun feels unease, heart wrenching a little. 

Her focus fall again on Seulgi, who’s now being squeezed by Krystal Jung’s arms, so strongly Joohyun can see from afar how she winces at the tight embrace. That’s her girlfriend, Joohyun bitterly remembers, and she tries to contain a laugh.

How ironic it is to give up on a girl for thinking she was straight only to find her dating someone else after a few months. And worse, dating another  _girl_ .

She looks back at the people surrounding Seulgi, at how they seem so comfortable around her. The people she trusts the most. And sure, Seulgi might like girls now, but that doesn’t mean Joohyun had a chance back then. 

_Friends_ . That’s probably the last thing Seulgi would say they were.

  
  


-

  
  


Surprisingly, but not quite, Joohyun comes back home to a shirtless and sweaty Seulgi. What a terrible combination.

She should be shocked with the sight of the girl she knew ever since they were kids lying on the floor with unsteady breaths and bruises covering all of her exposed body, but the sight is already too familiar, so all she does is lock the door, already knowing where all of this was going.

“You’re earlier tonight,” Joohyun comments, setting her things at the edge of the bed.

She makes her way towards the corner of her room where Seulgi leans against the wall.

“You were counting?” she echoes, voice weak. Her lips are a bit swollen and the upper one is busted open. 

“You’re usually never here before midnight.” Joohyun points at the clock that marks thirty past eleven in her bedside table sheepishly.

“Just broke a record, I guess,” Seulgi jeers as she clings onto her own arm, pressing the open wound with her shirt to stop it from bleeding more than it already is.

She’s only wearing a cropped top again (better than last time where she only had a bra on), and Joohyun can see there are a lot of cuts on her torso,  _nail marks_ , but she doesn’t comment on it. 

“Speaking of broken, how is your nose?” Joohyun turns to her wardrobe and she can hear the faint laugh coming from behind her. She giggles as well, despite her efforts not to.

“It doesn’t hurt anymore. You really helped,” Seulgi answers, genuinely, and Joohyun’s heart stings when she associates this Seulgi with the one she sees in school.

This Seulgi seems much more at ease with her than she does with her so called friends, but that’s probably Joohyun’s imagination playing tricks on her. That version doesn’t sound much realistic.

Joohyun stands up to refrain herself for saying something she would regret later out loud, focusing in searching on the drawers of her dresser for  the first aid kit she always made sure to keep it hidden. She  knows that if she  doesn’t , her nosy best friend would’ve found it already with how much she keeps looking through her stuff when she's at her place. And knowing Yerim, she would keep asking random questions – like why it  seems Joohyun  uses it all the time when she’s never injured. 

It doesn’t take long for her to find a yellow box behind her clothes and as soon as she puts it on the bedside table, Joohyun kneels at Seulgi’s side.

She takes in a breath, standing closer to Seulgi as she takes a cloth from the box along with some antiseptic, and circles her arm with a towel – only to contain the bleeding for a little longer.

She sprays some antiseptic on a cloth and holds Seulgi’s chin in her hand to tilt her face up, slowly dragging it down Seulgi's upper lip to remove some of the blood and clean the wound, but Seulgi's eyes never leave hers.

Joohyun swallows hard.

“What have you done this time, Seulgi?” she asks worriedly, struggling not to focus at the girl’s parted lips that for some reason seem to be calling out for her.

“It’s a secret,” Seulgi teases, and Joohyun rolls her eyes. 

“You’re full of those.”

Joohyun sigh s , tiredly, and  pulls a few hair strands attached to her forehead. Usually, she would hate the feeling of sweat drenching her hand, but she doesn’t really think much before doing anything these days – even more when said things have something to do with Seulgi .

“You’re never going to tell me, are you?” 

It’s a rhetorical question, one that she already knows the answer but refuses to believe it. She knows it for  _so long_ now, but  that still  doesn’t make her feel any better. 

“I might follow you some day. I’m not good at being curious.” The joke doesn’t quite land – if anything, Seulgi just looks more agitated. 

“Please don’t. I can’t...”

“Hey,” Joohyun calls out, smiling softly as she cups Seulgi’s face with both hands. “I won’t do that, really. You know how much of a scaredy-cat I am. I just wish you’d take better care of yourself.”

“I always do, you know that. But,” Seulgi stops, breathing heavily and wincing as Joohyun presses the cloth against her lips one last time, “don’t worry about me.”

“It’s kind of difficult to do that when you’re bleeding on my bedroom rug.” Joohyun tries to lit up the mood, but it seems like it was the wrong thing to say, because next thing she knows, Seulgi’s already trying to get up. 

“I’m so, so sorry… I’ll buy you a new one when I –”

“Shh, be quiet and stay still, please.” Joohyun requests. “I mean it,” she says again, more demanding this time.

Seulgi does as told, and Joohyun  steadily starts to remove the towel she put on her arm, little by little. When it’s off and she moves a hand to put a gauze with antiseptic on the wound, Seulgi can’t help but flinch away at the touch.

“You look terrible today.” Joohyun states, not caring if she’s too blatant. Seulgi only laughs quietly, like she barely cares.

“You look beautiful as usual,” she replies, too forward for Joohyun’s liking. 

Joohyun laughs along, pretending not to notice the warmth that’s growing on her own cheeks and rolls a bandage on Seulgi’s bicep, a failed attempt to feign nonchalance.

“Aren’t you a smooth talker?”

Seulgi  giggles, a nd the room  is quiet again. It’s not like they were talking loudly before, scared Joohyun’s parents would come upstairs to see what’s happening, but they  fall into  utter silence after Joohyun’s last sentence. 

Joohyun was getting used to it, to the complete lack of information other than the fact that Seulgi often showed up at her own house while injured. 

It bec ame routine. 

Joohyun notices it comes after hard days, days when Seulgi has had races or when she only seemed off at school. It happens on days when her eyes are weary and she carries a tiredness on her shoulders that  Joohyun don’t know where it comes from, but wishes she could take away from her.

She doesn’t ask, not really, and never insists. She does what she needs to do, what  _Seulgi_ needs her to do. It’s not her place to ask questions anyway.

“There, all done,” Joohyun says after a while, staring proudly at her work. 

Seulgi  stirs in her seat, like she had fallen asleep at some point, but Joohyun hadn’t noticed.

“Thank you,” Seulgi says, suddenly grabbing Joohyun’s hand and placing a soft kiss on its back. 

Joohyun  gulps . The fact that Seulgi did this every time didn’t make it easier as it should.

"Stay safe," is all she can say.

“No promises.”

Seulgi smiles mid-wink, and it shines brightly in the night despite the pain Joohyun knows she holds in her heart.

And then she’s gone again and Joohyun is alone, feeling her heart swell and fill with something close to joy.

  
  


-

  
  


It’s a feeling she can’t quite put into words, – she’s never been good with neither of them anyway – but she feels like the new routine suits her. Taking care of Seulgi, although painful, is the closest she could get to being in her life again, and Joohyun’s fine with it, really.

She was always aware of the fact that they’re going to drift apart once it’s over and sure, Joohyun’s not entirely fine with this, but she understands.

She can manage hurt. She can manage anger, stress. And now, she hates how she doesn’t know how to deal with uncertainty, not when Seulgi seems to bring plenty of it.

  
  


-

  
  


Some days, the weight is heavier and Joohyun is not sure she can handle everything at once – that  _feeling_ is starting to make a home inside of her.

Joohyun leans back in her chair and stares at the board in front of her, trying to stop thinking too hard. The teacher speaks, explaining the subject, but no words seem to come out of his mouth, the noise blocked by her ears. 

It’s useless to be so distracted when it’s so important for her to focus on her studies these days, but it’s inevitable (or not, but she’s not about to beat herself up again for letting this thing with Seulgi go on for too long).

She can feel Yerim staring at her, that bothering sense of being watched, so she looks at her, an eyebrow raised. Her friend doesn’t say anything and Joohyun goes back to look at the board, pretending to pay attention to the class, and then she feels a piece of paper shoved into her desk hastily. 

“ _Are you okay?”_

Yerim continues to stare, so Joohyun sighs. She looks back at her friend and by the corner of her eye, she can also see Seulgi – eyes glued on her as if she was watching her all this time.

“ _Can we talk some other time?”_

She sees Yerim nod, and diverts her gaze. 

Her eyes are looking ahead, but still, she can feel Seulgi’s on her.

  
  


-

  
  


J oohyun thinks about Seulgi while walking home. 

She thinks about the faint stench of alcohol that fills her shirt, the bruises that always seem to be adorning her face lately and how beautiful she looks even while hurt, about her ebony hair and bright brown eyes. 

She thinks about the slope of her nose, about how her lower lip is fuller than the top one and how that makes her mouth so damn attractive. She thinks about how, if she closes her eyes long enough, that's all she can see.

  
  


-

  
  


It’s another couple of weeks later when Seulgi comes back.

The girl looks quieter than usual that night. She barely speaks while Joohyun brushes a cloth on the cut in the end of her eyebrow and even when she moves to treat her knuckles, she also doesn’t move much. Her wounds are not as serious as some Joohyun had seen before, and it doesn’t make sense for her to be so stiff.

“Are you okay? You seem off,” Joohyun finally says after what seems to be a long time, feeling slightly bothered and worried for the unusual behavior.

Seulgi nods and, for some reason, Joohyun doesn’t buy it.

“Tell me,” she insists, and even though her tone is as soft as she can manage, she can’t help but notice it sounds a bit forceful, so she awkwardly shakes her head before adding, “I’m sorry. It’s not my place to ask.”

Seulgi continues to stare at Joohyun’s eyes, her eyebrows knitted together.

“No, that’s not –” Seulgi shakes her head. “I should be the one apologizing.”

“What for?” Joohyun laughs halfheartedly, brushing another piece of cotton wet with saline on her knuckles.

“For throwing that responsibility on you. You never asked for any of this.” 

Seulgi moves her hand, taking it away from Joohyun’s grasp, what makes her raise her eyes to Seulgi’s and see, weirdly as it may sound, how they seem so… soft.

“I told you I’m glad to help. Even if it’s you,” she says good-naturedly.

A shadow of smile flashes through Seulgi’s face.

“It probably would be better if you told someone else instead of doing this to yourself but...” Joohyun trails off.

This time, Seulgi sucks in a breath and drops her eyes to her lap. She’s quiet again, but Joohyun can see it’s for something else. Probably looking for the right words, or just the courage to say whatever it is that’s bothering her out loud.

(When they were younger, Seulgi would often drift off in the middle of a conversation and Joohyun would always joke about how she could almost hear her thinking. Looking back then and comparing to the present, it’s quite endearing to see she didn’t change much.)

“Is it selfish if I say I miss you?” 

It’s so soft spoken Joohyun almost misses it. What is it with Seulgi and sudden confessions lately?

A hollowness caves out of her chest as she struggles to keep her emotions at bay, even if she’s finding it hard to focus. She trembles with the effort, her throat constricting painfully tight as she fights to draw in a ragged breath. 

And now, Joohyun doesn’t think uncertainty is the right word to define what she feels.

“Is it?” Seulgi repeats, raising her eyes.

Joohyun shrugs. “Not selfish, but… I don’t know.”

“What do you mean?” She tilts her head to the side.

Joohyun doesn’t say anything for a while, worried about saying the wrong thing in the wrong moment, but she’s kind of anxious and she’s not good at saying the right thing when she needs to so before she can stop herself, she murmurs, “We don’t have to do this.”

Seulgi furrows her brows.

“Do what?”

“This.” Joohyun points a finger at Seulgi then to herself. “We don’t have to talk about us.”

“About... us?” she asks, hesitantly.

Joohyun nods. 

“I mean, the reason you stopped talking to me is…” She snorts, “understandable. With how I felt about you, especially after you started dating Krystal.”

This time, Seulgi is the one who freezes on the spot, blinking several times to understand what is happening.

“How you… felt about me?”

Joohyun stares at her for a moment before looking away with an exaggerated tight-lipped smile.

“Well,” she says, clearing her throat. “This is embarrassing.” She laughs awkwardly, as if crying out for help inside. “I thought you would’ve definitely figured it out by now, since you distanced yourself and, you know...”

“ _What?_ ” Seulgi huffs out. She looks up, earnest pleading in the crinkle of her brow and twinkle in her eyes. “Joohyun, I didn’t know, I’m so –” 

“Please don’t apologize,” Joohyun says, hurriedly placing her hand on Seulgi’s. “ _Please_ , it’s not your fault.”

She brushes her thumb over one of Seulgi’s bruised knuckles and she frowns back up at Joohyun. 

“I had no idea.”

“And that’s nothing to be sorry for.”

“But I...” Seulgi’s shoulders slump down, and she has a strange look on her face Joohyun can’t quite read. “You thought I stopped talking to you because of this?”

Joohyun quirks up an eyebrow as if the answer was obvious. “Well, yeah.”

“I never wanted to hurt you,” she breathes, still seeming shocked. “I never –”

“You didn’t,” Joohyun insists. “Trust me, you _didn’t_ ,” she says with a short laugh and her chest roils with the half-lie. It’s not really Seulgi’s fault she got hurt, right? Joohyun is the one responsible for her own feelings, not the other way around. “You’ve always been a wonderful friend.”

And there’s that hollowness again, that unsettled sort of malcontent, like expecting another step at the top of the stairs and stumbling. Her shoulders feel weak, somehow, and she realizes she’s been tensed up for an argument that didn’t come.

“I feel like an idiot,” Seulgi gnaws on her bottom lip. “I _am_ an idiot.”

Joohyun draws her hand back into her lap, leaning away slightly.

“Come on, stop that. I told you it’s not your fault.”

“You never told me anything.”

Joohyun laughs listlessly. 

“I didn’t want to make you feel uncomfortable around me or worse, that we stopped being friends.” There’s a pressure at her throat, something like fear, and she laughs. “Turns out it happened either way.”

She says the last words quietly, not meaning for Seulgi to hear them, but she knows it’s useless. Uncomfortably, Joohyun stirs in her seat, wondering if she’d said too much. The answer is obvious and she feels like she’s going to throw up if she talks more.

Joohyun doesn’t really hesitate, she isn’t supposed to, but sometimes, she wishes she did it more often. 

“Can I just finish this? Please?” Joohyun takes Seulgi’s hand back without waiting for an answer and Seulgi keeps quiet while she finishes what she started.

The tension drains from her shoulders and after she’s done, Seulgi reaches for her hand again.  She holds it softly, caring, and it’s so easy for Joohyun to feel like she did years ago that it scares her, so she pushes her hand back and forces out a smile.

“You’re good to go.”

Her vision is blurry, but she’s not willing to break down in front of Seulgi, so when the girl does as told and stands up, Joohyun feels her stomach drop at her feet. 

She watches Seulgi adjust herself on the window while biting her lower lip in anticipation. Seulgi takes a last look at Joohyun through her shoulder before waving and stepping outside.

And then she leaves and all she knows is that she may be falling for Seulgi,  _again_ . Seulgi, who hides her pain from everybody but Joohyun, who is thoughtful and compassionate and  _brave_ .

She’s falling, and there’s no one to catch her.

  
  


-

  
  


She almost never sees Seulgi again for the next few days and when she does, it’s always at school. A safe environment, where she can walk away and pretend nothing happened with them – not only last week, but some years ago as well.

But then there’s that tiny voice in the back of her mind, one so stubborn it makes Joohyun want to hit her head somewhere so it can just shut up. One that seems so much like Seulgi’s voice saying she misses her.

It’s almost as if it never happened and Seulgi goes back to being just a neighbor, just someone she sees at school. Her days are quiet as usual and now her nights are too. 

Joohyun cross paths with her and walks it off – she forges ahead and doesn’t look back. 

Regret is just another one of those things that she can't do, she wasn’t made to stand it.

(But for a brief moment, she swears she can almost feel it. And as it happens to all the things Seulgi related, it’s the almost – the not quite there, but  _so_ painfully close – that threatens to get to her. The kind of feeling that comes from within and eats her sanity little by little.

So Joohyun doesn’t let it. If she puts an effort to it, maybe she can be like Seulgi and leave everything in the past.)

  
  


-

  
  


Or maybe she can’t. She really wasn’t build like this. 

So when she goes after Seulgi it’s to finally put an end to it, but once she sees her, Joohyun knows there’s something wrong. 

It’s not like she’s trying to be rude, but Seulgi looks awful throughout practice. She’s lost weight, she’s sluggish and quiet. Joohyun doesn’t think she’s ever seen someone so wearied.

  
  


-

  
  


“Hey, you okay?” Yerim asks her in front of the lockers. She’s swapping out her Calculus textbook for her Biology one and Joohyun feels she’s an awful friend for forgetting Yerim still needs her help studying. There’s a lot going on and she’s been acting weird lately and sure, that’s her fault, but she can’t take it out on her.

Joohyun almost fails to remember to nod at the question Yerim made, so she does it when her friend’s attention is back on her once she slams her locker shut and leans against it.

“Then what’s gotten you so gloomy?”

Joohyun sighs and also leans against the locker. “I’m not so sure anymore.”

“Come on, don’t act like I don’t know you any better,” Yerim smiles gently, and reaches out to tuck Joohyun’s hair behind her ear affectionately. “Is something related to Seulgi?”

“No,” Joohyun answers a little too quickly to be credible. “Why are you saying this?”

Yerim snorts. “You’re acting strange ever since she first appeared with those injuries.”

She hates how Yerim’s attentive to some things and how good the girl is at reading her – almost like she can see what’s going on inside Joohyun’s mind.

Joohyun hugs her own book to her chest and moves to walk the hallway, but Yerim is quick to follow. When she catches up, Joohyun almost groans when she feels Yerim catching up with her. 

“Talk to me, Joohyun.”

Joohyun pulls the straps of her backpack a little too tightly.

“I can’t.”

And starts to walk away.

  
  


-

  
  


Later, she finds Seulgi by accident, really. She’s sitting on the stairwell, hugging her knees like she’s about to cry.

Joohyun tries to get closer, to ask if she’s okay or if there's anything else she can do, but Seulgi instantly recoils.

“Just.. don’t. Not now,” is all she says, before she heads towards the exit.

  
  


-

  
  


When Joohyun decides to tell Yerim about Seulgi, she does it quietly and restrained, almost as if she has no idea of where to start. (She has, actually, but talking about it out loud feels like it’s becoming real and she can’t handle this right now.)

So she tells Yerim what she needs to know, going through every thing that happened in such a shallow way Joohyun can barely recognize how those things actually happened, and most of all, how it happened with her.

“Well...” Yerim begins once she finishes, crossing her legs on the steps of Joohyun’s balcony. “You weren’t joking about how you had a lot going on.”

Joohyun half-laughs, nervously. 

“Do you think she’ll quit anytime soon?”

Joohyun frowns at the question, confused, and weakly shakes her head.

“Do you think she might be...” Yerim drifts off, before awkwardly adding in a hushed tone, “involved in something illegal? Or that she might be, I don’t know, dangerous?”

Joohyun doesn’t answer. She looks ahead – to the house in front of her that’s dark and quiet as if there’s nobody home, and wonders if Seulgi’s even there. 

Yerim remains mum, lips pressed into a thin line making it clear she’s thinking. 

“Do you want to know what I think?” she asks quietly, kicking the air only so she wouldn’t keep still. “You know, about agreeing to help her in the first place and avoiding to talk about the elephant in the room until it became unbearable.” 

Joohyun nods. 

“I think you’re just scared.” Yerim’s words are rough, but delivered in a soft tone that masks the brutality. “And okay, you can say you don’t do scared, not in that way, at least, but you’re not a robot, Joohyun. You’re allowed to feel other things.”

The way Yerim brings up the forbidden topic of Joohyun's obsession with order sends shivers to Joohyun's belly and the pressure on her throat seems a lot bigger than it actually is – cutting her air supply as if a warning. 

It’s too much, and those little glitches now feel a lot more like a complete core defect.

  
  


-

  
  


Joohyun doesn’t really believe in fate, nor coincidences. 

She thinks there’s probably something in between that’s able to explain everything even though she can’t quite point out what it might be yet, so when she sees Seulgi coming home right after Yerim leaves her house, she doesn’t think much about it. She doesn’t consider the fact that she stayed a bit longer than she should at the balcony as a sign, but she’s sure it means  _something_ .

When Joohyun sees her, Seulgi’s feet are barely above the ground and she’s practically being carried by a guy that’s slightly taller than her. 

Squinting her eyes, Joohyun can see that’s just her brother. He has a split lip and a black eye, too, and she wonders if he’s the one that keeps putting Seulgi into trouble. He’s always been a troublemaker, after all. 

“Hey!” she shouts, not loud enough to disturb the other neighbors, but enough for Daehyun to hear it. 

He looks at her with a confused expression, so she quickly stands up and walks towards him in a haste.

“Is she okay?” 

“She would if she wasn’t so stupid,” Daehyun says through gritted teeth, still struggling to keep Seulgi on her feet. She’s passed out, apparently, and the blood on her shirt doesn’t seem to belong only to her. The perception frightens Joohyun and she thinks about Yerim’s words... is Seulgi _dangerous_?

“You need to take her to a hospital.” The worry in her voice must’ve been enough to convince him, but they never really got along, so to expect he would be persuaded by her that easily is kind of silly of her.

He scoffs. “So our parents find out? Thank you, but no.”

“Find out what?” she asks worriedly, staring at Seulgi as if expecting she would wake up.

Daehyun arches an eyebrow, daringly, but doesn’t say anything else. Joohyun hates him more than anything right now.

“She might need medical assistance!” She raises her voice, surprising not only Daehyun but herself, too.

Joohyun takes a hasty step forward, hand reaching for the girl’s face and Seulgi feels too hot against her fingertips.

“I’ll take her to my place,” she finds herself saying, even though she said to herself over and over that she would stay away and wouldn't mind Seulgi's business. It’s not really an offer. “Let me carry her.”

Daehyun snorts and rolls his eyes. “Suit yourself.”

He almost drops Seulgi for letting her go in such a haste and as if he barely knew her sister, he starts to walk away. 

This time, the alcohol scent isn’t light at all.

  
  


-

  
  


As the sun begins to rise, a small glimpse of sunrise is visible through Joohyun’s curtains. The faint light illuminates Seulgi’s features while she sleeps, and Joohyun can’t pull herself together to look away. 

It’s not only because Seulgi’s asleep face is mesmerizing, (and it is, although Joohyun will never say it out loud) but because she’s worried Seulgi might slip away if she does more than blink. 

The possibility isn’t unlikely, and the dread that rushes through her veins makes it even worse.

She’s lost in thought when Seulgi’s eyes spring open and she gasps for air, startling Joohyun. After just a second, Joohyun stands up from her study chair across the bed towards her, but Seulgi flinches away instinctively. Joohyun draws back, looking slightly hurt and more than a little concerned.

“Bad dream?” Joohyun asks in a whisper.

Seulgi swallows hard. “Yeah, sorry.” 

She rubs her temples impatiently and sighs, dropping herself on the bed and wincing in pain.

“Please, don’t do that,” Joohyun pleads, softly.

She takes a look around, body tense as she tries to find out where she is, and when she does, Joohyun can clearly see the way her body relaxes.

“What am I doing here?” Seulgi rasps out.

“You passed out while your brother was bringing you home.” Joohyun crosses her arms above her chest – a defensive position she would avoid if she wasn’t so embarrassed about the last time they actually talked. 

Seulgi looks up at the ceiling, blinking away tears that seem to be welling up at the corner of her eyes, her lips trembling with the effort of holding back, but it’s useless.

Her face is wet, and Seulgi reaches up to find the source. Her fingertips come away with mingled tears and blood. The discovery threatens to bring on a new wave of tears, and Joohyun seems to take notice, rushing to her side one more time.

She pulls out the same yellow box Seulgi was used to already and takes out an antibacterial wipe out of it. She rips the packed open and takes the wipe, pressing it it gently against the scrape on her cheek. Seulgi hisses.

“You’re bleeding a lot since last night. It might need stitches,” Joohyun says.

“It will be okay,” Seulgi waves off. “I'm sorry for troubling you with this.” 

Joohyun shakes her head. “It's fine. I'd do it all over again.”

Seulgi hums in understanding, but doesn’t say anything else.

The gentleness and care in Joohyun’s tone doesn’t go unnoticed and Seulgi gnaws at her bottom lip. Joohyun avoids looking at it, instead focusing on cleaning the blood away. The cut isn’t so bad now that she can see it. It just bled a lot.

The tears on Seulgi’s face are mostly dried by now. Anxious, Joohyun allows her eyes to wander up to Seulgi’s face one more time.

“All better,” she says with a smile, pointing at a glass of water she’d brought to the room in the middle of the night, which she does mechanically. "How are you feeling?"

Seulgi merely shrugs.

“Just a little tired.” 

“You can sleep some more. We don’t have classes today, it’s Sunday.” Joohyun reminds her and Seulgi’s brows meet in the middle of her forehead.

“Right.” 

Seulgi's gauze is sharp, soft, and a little sad. Joohyun smiles, and for a fleeting moment, she brings her hand up, knuckles brushing over Seulgi's cheek.

Joohyun doesn’t say more, neither does Seulgi look like she has something to add, so the older girl just awkwardly retracts her hand. 

She fishes a book under her bedside table and sits again on her study chair to read it. After a while, when she looks up again to the sound of a light snore, Seulgi’s back to sleep.

And once again, Joohyun can’t take her eyes off of her.

A conscious Seulgi naturally exudes charisma and an irresistible magnetism without even trying, but a sleeping Seulgi is all things adorable and soft and delicate, and Joohyun can’t help but stare.

She’s pretty sure staring is the only acceptable thing to do, anyway.

Joohyun takes a long quiet moment to simply look at her, whilst searching for small signs of pain but, honestly, she realizes the feelings fluttering in her stomach at the sight wouldn't let her do anything else.

Her pale cheeks are washed with the gentle light coming from the bright sky, which falls on her face almost gently, like the sky itself cherishes and holds her dear.

She's beautiful all the time, but when she sleeps, she looks ethereal, with an unearthly quality about her that reminds Joohyun of the sun.

So she drapes a blanket over her and lets her sleep.

  
  


-

  
  


Joohyun takes a nap on the study chair even against her will, and when she wakes up, her bed is tidy and there’s no sign of Seulgi anywhere.

(She tries not to dwell on how it makes her ache and selfishly wish for more, for something else, but by now she should know better than to expect anything from Kang Seulgi.)

  
  


-

  
  


“Let’s say that I have a...” she pauses to carefully consider each word, “situation I’m not sure how to deal with.”

Yerim, for her part, looks absolutely ecstatic by the subject change. 

“I’m all ears,” she says, almost grinning widely. 

She had seemed so bored with everything Joohyun said during this entire lunch break that when she shifts from disengaged to fascinated so quickly Joohyun can’t help but groan in frustration. 

She’s been acting off, to say the least, and she hates how obvious it is that there’s something’s wrong that she can tell by her best friend’s behavior.

So she tells her everything about Seulgi. 

How they first met, how they got close and drifted away. She tells her about liking Seulgi a little bit more than she should have. How hard Joohyun has worked to get over it with no luck, and finally, about how Seulgi decided to show up at her window that first night. 

She describes the red smile she gives Joohyun after each fight, the way she stares at her while she treats her wounds like she’s amazed by Joohyun. That  _annoying_ habit of kissing her hand every single time. 

Her heart beats fast in her rib cage and Joohyun closes her eyes, breathing in and out slowly in a failed attempt to calm herself.

One. Two. Three.

And then again. It doesn’t really work. She hates it.

“Okay, so,” Yerim drawls once Joohyun’s rant ended. “you’re saying your ex crush slash ex best friend goes all Rambo or something at night and comes at your window for help.”

It sounds stupid when it comes out of Yerim’s mouth like that, but the fact that is accurate only makes it worse.

Joohyun’s about to nod when Yerim continues, “I feel like you already know what I’m about to say.”

She does, and she doesn’t really need a reminder of how her feelings are suffocating her right now.

“I can’t be in love with her,” Joohyun tries to reason, but it’s useless.

“Let me break it to you,” Yerim starts, seriously. “I think you are.”

Joohyun groans.

“You can’t really control these things, Hyun.” Yerim bites an apple, munching on it slowly as if trying to test Joohyun’s patience. “Feelings are feelings. They have no rules.”

"That’s annoying." Joohyun huffs.

"That’s the truth."

“I like rules, they make things so much easier.” Joohyun bites the edge of her lip, barely noticeably. “Like, ‘don’t cross the streets without looking.’ Or ‘don’t fall in love with your ex best friend who keeps going into fights to prove a point and possibly hates you.’”

It’s a little dramatic, she admits, but she’s not exactly in the right mindset to think about it.

“That’s not really possible, is it?” Yerim asks, and for some reason, Joohyun thinks she doesn’t really need an answer, what makes her feel like a child who’s being taught something new.

“Of course it is,” she grumbles, and Yerim merely sighs.

“You’re smart, Joohyun. Think about it.”

  
  


-

  
  


It’s kind of a losing battle and Joohyun is ready to admit defeat when Seulgi crashes into her like a tidal wave one more time, making a mess like that’s all she knows how to do.

Unexpectedly, Seulgi finds her in the lockers hall, right before she pulls out her study book.

“Hey, you,” she says as soon as Joohyun closes the locker, hugging her own book while she leans on the other one.

“Uh, hey,” Joohyun stammers in a low voice. "You came today."

Seulgi shrugs like there’s not a real answer she can give.

“I wasn’t expecting you to,” Joohyun adds.

“I can't miss any of my classes anymore.” She presses her lips into a straight line, suddenly wincing at the pain. Joohyun flinches almost instantly, almost like she was the one who’s feeling it.

She grips tighter on her study book, nervous.

“Oh, that makes sense. Yeah,” she breathes out awkwardly. “It's just... you were hit really hard on Saturday and I saw how hard it was for you to stand up, so I thought you were going to rest.”

The corners of Seulgi’s lips twitch. “No rest for the wicked, huh?”

The joke is heavily ignored by Joohyun.

“You're not wicked,” she says, half serious and half laugh, like the thought itself was absurd. _It is._

Seulgi stares at her with something that shines close to awe, yet not quite there.

Joohyun dumbfounded stares back at the girl in front of her, to how different she looks. From the bruise on the side of her face that covers the corner of her forehead and her right cheek until the swollen wound on the lips.

Rushing forwards, hands coming up to hold her, examine the wound – Joohyun freezes with her fingertips just inches away from Seulgi’s face, halting when she remembers that’s not her job anymore. Seulgi’s been pretty clear running off yesterday. 

Joohyun’s brows crease. "Does it hurt?"

Seulgi shakes her head, glancing at the hands still hovering near her face. Joohyun drops them to her side, tentatively shuffling a little bit out of Seulgi’s personal space.

Seulgi draws her brows together, tilting her head just so – a few locks of dark hair cascade over her shoulder from the movement.

“I’m sorry,” she starts.

Joohyun huffs, “You’ve said that already.”

“This time I mean it more,” Seulgi insists. “I’ve been awful. I really have.”

Joohyun nods, albeit stiffly, and leans against one of the lockers loudly. It’s not a confirmation, more like a sign of acknowledgment and shockingly embarrassed, Seulgi looks down at the floor.

"I worry about you," Joohyun whispers. 

“Sometimes I do, too,” Seulgi answers, so hollow Joohyun wonders if she still cares about anything.

And she looks so sad, so handsome in the dim light of the corridor, that Joohyun’s heart falters a little. Even more when Seulgi decides to look up in her eyes.

“Joohyun?” she calls out like a secret and said girl raises her eyebrows just the slightest. “I don’t have a girlfriend. I never did.”

The information hangs in the air, weighting against Joohyun’s chest like she might just stop breathing.

She feels uncomfortable, and Joohyun abruptly wishes she was someone else instead of who she really is – someone who could actually feel things like they weren’t a burden she had to carry.

It makes sense, in a way, since all Joohyun knew were rumors and she feels kind of stupid to assume it was true.

Joohyun has so many so questions (“What does that mean? Why did you want to tell me now? Do you feel the same as I do?”) but she doesn’t ask them. She settles for something else, something new she’s been wanting to try for a while.

She gathers her self-control, wrestling it away from the thoughts of sliding her hand down to the base of Seulgi’s neck and pulling her into a kiss, and leans forward and in tiptoes just enough to be able to reach Seulgi’s forehead. 

She places a long kiss there, longer than is probably friendly, she acknowledges when she moves away, but it's done and she hopes Seulgi's expression once she pulls away might tell her how the girl would feel about more kisses.

It’s definitely new, being impulsive, but Joohyun likes it.

Seulgi smiles softly, and Joohyun’s not sure the exact moment it happened, but Seulgi is holding Joohyun’s hand and kissing her palm – right there, in the open, where everyone passing hallways can see.

Later, Joohyun ends up in the bathroom staring into her own reflection wondering what on Earth was wrong with her. Nothing happened, nothing at all, yet her heart is racing. Ridiculous, unnecessary. Embarrassing.

(She likes it.)

  
  


-

  
  


Surprisingly, the next time Seulgi comes by, it’s not because she needs help or anything of the sorts. 

She still climbs her window and yes, it’s four in the morning, but when she knocks on the glass and Joohyun opens it for her, she has a beautiful blinding smile on her face that almost makes Joohyun wonder if she’s still asleep and dreaming.

And then Seulgi says, like it’s so obvious she shouldn’t have even said it out loud, “I want to take you somewhere.” 

  
  


-

  
  


The logical answer dangled in Joohyun’s mind for a while before she changed out of her pajamas and followed Seulgi into the cold night air, still wondering if it was the right decision. 

She’s not really good at this yet – this whole thing about trying to get out of her tight routine to make her look like less than a robot. Seulgi’s been changing that, little by little, and it’s easy for Joohyun to make supposedly wrong decisions when it comes to her, what should be worrying her by now, but Seulgi’s been holding her hand ever since they left, so gentle it could go by unnoticed if Joohyun wasn’t feeling her heart hammering against her chest.

And Seulgi has that beautiful smile that suddenly, when she looks at her, Joohyun doesn’t really know if there’s anything to worry at all. 

She’s not the type of girl that allows impulsive actions to control her, but maybe, just maybe, Yerim’s right, and that’s why she finds herself in the middle of the woods near their neighborhood.

Seulgi leads the way toward an old tree house that probably shouldn’t still be standing by now, but Joohyun's taken in memories and she doesn’t really want to bother with details right now – even if those so called details are life threatening. 

She notices it a few moments after she dismisses the concern nonchalantly and almost laughs. Maybe Yerim was also right about Seulgi being dangerous, her ability to completely erase Joohyun’s brain of all thought and logic shouldn’t be ignored.

“We used to come here every day. Do you remember?” Seulgi whispers.

Joohyun hums pleasantly, a small smile teasing at the edges of her mouth.

“You’d practically camp at my doorstep early in the morning because, apparently, the sun rises beautifully here.”

Seulgi grins at that. She’s settled at the corner of the tree house improvised balcony and her feet dangles in the air, back and forth in a constant rhythm. 

It’s more relaxing than Joohyun would have thought, but then again, she feels light in what appears to be  _ages_ and Seulgi is by her side making her feel all things at once like she’s used to it.

“I feel like I owe you a lot,” comes Seulgi’s voice again, wavering in what sounds like _fear_.

The confession isn’t as contemplating as Seulgi probably expected and an annoying desolation makes itself present in Joohyun's stomach. She should’ve expected Seulgi wasn’t really trying to be friends again, only obeying to a certain inclination toward repaying Joohyun. 

“I don’t want a friendship out of pity, Seulgi, or because you feel like you owe it to me,” she decides to say, making her intentions clear, but Seulgi’s exasperated expression leaves behind the feeling of feathers on Joohyun’s chest.

“I’d never –” the girl begins to say, visibly surprised. She shakes her head, eyes tightly closed as if nervous. “That’s not what I mean.”

Joohyun shifts in her seat, vaguely staring at the other trees that surround them.

“Then what do you mean?”

Seulgi clears her throat. “I said that because, well… you’ve been nothing but kind to me and I can’t even be completely honest with you.”

“Everyone has secrets. It’s okay to keep them, sometimes,” Joohyun decides to say.

“But I should do better than this. You’ve done so much for me already.”

“I don’t do it for you to owe me.”

Seulgi looks over her shoulder, almost insecurely, but Joohyun doesn’t really feel like that word describes the girl accurately. Actually, not many words seem good enough to describe Kang Seulgi.

“And, um,” Joohyun hesitates, painfully obviously, so she tries to shrug it off. “I mean, I guess we’re friends, right? Friends do that.”

If she weren’t so nervous about saying that out loud to pay attention to anything other than her spiking heartbeat, she could’ve sworn she saw a different kind of glow in Seulgi’s eyes, one of recognition and warmth and  _happiness_ .

“Yeah, we’re friends,” Seulgi agrees.

Joohyun relaxes, which is kind of embarrassing since she hasn’t realized how tensed she was.

Above them, the sky looks a lot clearer than it was before. Not clear as a day yet, but close to. Joohyun probably should be heading back home by now, but Seulgi’s company is comforting, and her parents are working anyway, so there’s not really a reason she should go back...  _right?_

Slowly, the dark sky begins to fade and is replaced by a mix of light orange and baby pink that makes her feel like she hasn’t really aged for a few years. 

The breeze passing by is chilly, but she doesn’t quite mind it, and being there with Seulgi again feels  _safe_ and  _familiar_ .

“The view is still as pretty, right?” Seulgi beams, almost like a kid who got her favorite desert after lunch, and she seems so genuinely happy – something she hasn’t seen in quite a while – that Joohyun refrains herself from saying something cheesy like _yes, very pretty_ , while she’s still looking at Seulgi.

She turns her gaze away from her, stiffly nodding at the question, before Seulgi starts again, “Well, you know how people make wishes under sunrises and all that so...”

“You’re just making this up.” 

“Anyways, so...” Seulgi continues, completely ignoring Joohyun’s words. “I’d like to wish for a new beginning. I want to try something again.”

She turns her eyes to Joohyun, carefully observing her and it feels kind of new to be under Seulgi’s point of view and not feeling that weight of fault on her shoulder. It does feel different, thought, kind of how she’s less like herself, but in a good, soothing way. 

“I’m Seulgi.” Seulgi offers her right hand, and only then Joohyun notices how close they now are. She doesn’t remember moving at all.

Joohyun tugs her bottom lip between her teeth, barely noticeable at the sight of how serious Seulgi is with that wish, so she plays her part. “I’m Joohyun.”

Seulgi’s grin is so wide Joohyun is reminded of the sun once again, but when she looks up at the sky again, Seulgi’s smile seems so much more beautiful.

So yes, Joohyun is definitely doomed, but she doesn’t really care. Death by a pretty girl’s smile is not a bad destiny if she thinks about it.


	2. but this is our ungodly hour

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sooo... i wrote almost 10k of this in just a day and i worked on the rest of it for a few days (longer than i'd like to admit), so a little heads up, some parts may suck and others not so much. or maybe everything sucks, but well what can i do? and i tried to proofread but i'm easily distracted so some things might've gone through unnoticed and i apologize.
> 
> other than that, i'm quite happy with how the chapter turned out in the end and i hope you guys like it too.
> 
> chapter's title from ungodly hour by the fray.

Nothing changes much at first.

Seulgi keeps fighting and, worse, she still shows up at Joohyun’s window at humanly ungodly hours, but there’s no tension anymore – not a palpable, awkward one, at least.

The frequency of said fights are also more slim and what used to happen at every week at most, suddenly started to happen almost two or three full weeks apart. Sometimes, Seulgi comes over when there’s not an actual need to, and they talk, eat, and even watch a movie together if they can.

It’s not much, Joohyun knows, but it definitely feels like the beginning of something new even if they don’t really talk on school grounds. For once, she’s happy. And change doesn’t sound so scary anymore, not with Seulgi.

  
  


-

  
  


“Have you ever thought about college?” It’s Seulgi’s first question after she sets foot on Joohyun’s mattress.

Joohyun arches an eyebrow, almost in disbelief for being asked such an obvious thing, but she crosses her legs and begins to brush the scratch on Seulgi’s cheek with an anti-inflammatory spray like it’s nothing much.

It’s midnight or so, and it’s probably one of those nights Seulgi feels talkative enough to keep asking random things until Joohyun’s done with the bandages. She doesn’t need many of them – the bruises are actually minimum that night.

“We’re in our last year of high school. Should you really be asking me this?” she wisecracks, and the girl merely rolls her eyes at the retort.

“Yeah, smart ass, of course I should. How else would I get to know you better?”

“You can do that without acting like you’re interviewing me for a job.” Joohyun chuckles.

She tilts Seulgi’s head back slightly, staring at the scrape with evaluative eyes.

That’s the only physical proof she carries that can assure Joohyun she was in another fight, again, but it’s not a serious one – not like some of the wounds Joohyun had treated before. A part of her wants to ask Seulgi what was she really doing there when there’s not a plausible reason for that, not with a simple scratch like that one, and she’s well aware she just wants to ask that because she wants to hear Seulgi say she wanted her company, but she doubts that’d be the answer.

“Do you still want to go to med school?” Seulgi asks once again.

Joohyun lets go of her face and nods, leaning against her own bed. They’re still facing each other, and even though Joohyun’s job is technically done, Seulgi doesn’t move to leave.

“I do. You’re lucky to be my first patient ever,” she humorously adds, but Seulgi squints her nose, in doubt.

“I don’t think this counts. Weren’t you on an internship with your dad last summer?”

Joohyun lets out a breath she wasn’t aware she was holding, dizzy with how Seulgi remembers something she’s only mentioned once, vaguely, but that’s just how she is; attentive, caring.

“That’s different,” she weakly replies.

“How so?”

Gracefully, Seulgi tilts her head to the right, and with moonlight only illuminating her backside, the shadows adorning her face look lovely. Joohyun has to inhale deeply to keep herself together.

“Well, I never had full control on patients during my internship. Dad was always watching with those creepy eyes like he was expecting me to fail,” she tries a joke to prove her indifference to the matter, but her voice crack tells otherwise.

She stands up in a rush, picking up the first aid kit and going straight to the wardrobe to put it back – maybe that way she can avoid Seulgi’s eyes on her face.

“You never know, maybe he’s just not good with the whole _I’m_ _proud of you_ thing.” Behind her, Seulgi’s words are sweet and understanding, and Joohyun’s hand shakes a bit when she puts the yellow box back to where it belongs, suddenly embarrassed for acting with such obvious fragility.

Truth is, her situation with her father is a little delicate and she’s not really sure how to feel towards his… _apathy,_ for lack of a better word.

“Trust me, I do know. That’s why I know he was thinking I was going to mess it up,” she says through gritted teeth, hating how she sounds awfully defensive.

She doesn’t turn around, though, and slams her forehead against the wardrobe with a sigh. “Sorry, that was rude.”

“It’s fine, really,” Seulgi says and her tone is still as light as it was before.

Joohyun finally looks again at her, still huddled up on her usual spot of the bedroom; the corner, right below the window. There’s no sign she’s standing up anytime soon, and Joohyun doesn’t want to be rude and ask why isn’t she going away yet, but she’s curious nonetheless, so she probably stares for a little too long until Seulgi says, “Can I spend the night?”

The clock on her bedside table marks two in the morning, and Joohyun looks back at Seulgi with half-closed eyes.

“The rest of it, anyway,” Seulgi chuckles, but after seeing Joohyun’s expression, she’s quick to add, “Or not. I can leave, if you want me to.”

“No, it’s not that,” Joohyun reassures. She waves her hand in nonchalant dismissal, but the stubborn smile still appears against her will. “I just wasn’t expecting it, that’s all.”

“Well, I tend to be unpredictable.” Seulgi raises an eyebrow, and Joohyun snorts.

“Yeah, definitely.”

And then Seulgi’s looking at her through shimmery eyes, her skin looking like gold in the soft night light, and Joohyun's reminded she hadn’t answered the question yet.

So she whispers, almost like a secret she couldn’t let anyone else find out, “I’d love if you stayed.”

  
  


-

  
  


“Hyun?”

Drowsy, Joohyun peers open an eye, only to be graced with the sight of Seulgi lying on her back at the floor while staring at the ceiling, a blanket lazily resting on her chest and a few pillows around to keep her comfortable. She doesn’t seem tired at all, rather fidgety if Joohyun looks closely.

“Yes?” she says, her voice hoarse from sleep.

“I’m not sure I want to go to college.” The confession is quiet, fragile as if Seulgi’s afraid of saying it out loud.

Joohyun seems to waken up at this, positioning her elbow on the bed and supporting her head in her hand. Seulgi remains where she is, cracking her knuckles because God knows she can’t stay still for long.

“What do you want to do, then? Once we finish school,” she asks, trying her best not to sound judgmental.

From where she stands, she can see Seulgi shake her shoulders. There’s no answer, not a clear one at least, and when she speaks again, is in a tiny voice Joohyun wouldn’t believe it came from Seulgi if she hadn’t seen her lips moving.

“I like to race,” she starts, unsure. “And I’m good at fighting.”

The last words send a shiver down Joohyun's spine and she swallows, hard, but she doesn’t let it shook her.

“You can do something related to those,” she offers, and Seulgi’s brow furrows, deep in thought.

“Like open a gym?” she tries, causing a chuckle to leave Joohyun’s mouth.

“Something like that.”

Joohyun pulls her own blanket up until it’s on her neck – the closest thing she had of a place to hide. She thinks about it and a cold sweat makes itself present on her left temple before she delves on it.

“I could teach self defense techniques,” Seulgi says after a few moments, a crinkle in her forehead tells how she was thinking about it.

“Yeah, you could.” It’s a weak answer, she knows, but between being sleepy and worried, that’s the best she can give.

Seulgi smiles, seeming to be considering the possibility when Joohyun calls her out again. She looks up, eyes as bright as the moon shining down Joohyun's window.

“I’m sure you’d do great in anything you try,” Joohyun offers.

“You’re just saying that.”

“I’m not.” She halts to a stop, pondering her next words with exaggerated precision. “Come up here. It doesn’t look comfortable down there.”

Seulgi wavers for a second, but she stands up, and hesitantly, joins Joohyun on the bed. She’s stiff for a while before she lets a breath out, and soon, they’re both close to falling asleep.

“Joohyun?” Seulgi calls her again, and with a hum, the girl promises to be awake. “I have an important race a few weeks away. Can you come see me?”

Again, Joohyun hums and that seems to be enough.

Slowly, Seulgi circles her waist and closes her eyes, her breath becoming heavier at each passing second on Joohyun’s neck.

Joohyun can’t really fall asleep again after that.

  
  


-

  
  


“I have a different plan today,” Yerim hurriedly says when Joohyun starts to walk toward their usual table at the cafeteria.

She stops on her tracks and once Yerim turns her back to go another way, Joohyun is quick to follow. She doesn’t know why this, and why _now,_ but Yerim’s been doing strange things for a few days now, so she’s starting to get used to them.

They sit at what seems to be a table just as normal as their usual one, but placed exactly in the middle of the place. It’s too exposed, she wants to say, but she’s really hungry to think about something as trivial as exposure during lunch.

It’s not until a shadow hovers above her food and she stares up to the owner of it that she realizes where she is, at _whose_ table she’s at.

“You’re at our table,” the girl says, blankly. It’s not a complaint, merely a simple fact voiced out as obvious.

Oddly, she doesn’t look at Yerim, who continues to eat like nothing is happening, but continues to gaze at Joohyun, who feels herself even smaller with such an unwavering stare.

“I’m sorry?” she tries, because she’s not sure how to act when the tall girl still stares down at her like she’s a prey.

“Let her breathe, Sooyoung,” Yerim says and the light familiar tone she uses with the girl makes Joohyun frown.

There’s no apology, but she – Sooyoung, she learns, – sits in front of her with a teasing smirk that seems not too frightening, but not relaxing either.

“It was just an observation,” she defends herself.

“Sure it was. She was almost shaking there,” a voice behind her adds, and when Joohyun turns her eyes to see who it is, the crease in the middle of her brow grows further. “I’m Seungwan.” She extends her hand sympathetically, beaming too bright for an introduction.

“Joohyun.” She takes the hand held out to her with mild confusion, not really sure why the student council president is acting so at ease with her, like they actually _knew_ each other.

“I know,” she giggles softly, as if Joohyun had only said the obvious and sits by Sooyoung’s side.

It’s silent again, but this time, the awkwardness is so tense and rigid Joohyun feels like she could cut it in the air with a knife. She’s about to say something when someone else decides to join them, someone who’s just as confused as Joohyun is.

“What are you doing here?” Seulgi asks, eyebrows furrowed as she tilts her head down to look at her properly.

“Just sitting,” Joohyun weakly answers.

“You always sit at another table.”

“My friend asked me to sit here today.” Seulgi doesn’t say anything else, so Joohyun adds, “Just ask me to leave if you’re so bothered, then.”

“I don’t want you to leave. And you could never bother me.” Her voice becomes the softest Joohyun’s ever heard and she cracks an honest smile.

Seulgi sits, and doesn’t say anything, but Joohyun can tell she’s being watched. Every now and then she raises her eyes to check and she’s right, Seulgi’s eyes are on hers, but she kind of likes the attention.

“I feel like you and Seungwan would get along perfectly since you're both into science or whatever,” Seulgi breaks the silence, finally, although speaking with her mouth full.

Seungwan scoffs, rolling her eyes. “They are different sciences, Seulgi.” And it rolls off of her tongue so easily that it feels like she’s said it before. “Joohyun's good with Anatomy, but my side is a lot different since I tend more to Ecology. Also, we've met before. She was my partner on eight grade, in a Chemistry project."

“It’s boring just the same,” Seulgi argues, and frowning, she raises her eyes again. “How do you even remember that?”

Seungwan winks. “Good memory.”

“Whatever,” Seulgi grunts, digging back to her food.

She takes a sip on her juice and winces when the liquid touches the fresh cut in her lips. Staring at Joohyun, she gives her a closed mouth smile – like sharing a secret only the two of them knew.

As it turns out, Seulgi is right: she does like Seungwan. She is funny and all too kind for someone who barely knows her. Despite only ever speaking to her during that group project a few years ago, she laughs at her jokes anyway.

She likes Sooyoung too, the easy way she teases Yerim like second nature and how she takes the first french fry off of Seulgi’s plate without even asking, only showing her a sly smile that grants her the rest of it, and it feels right, this table, this _group_.

“By the way, what even happened to you this time?” Sooyoung asks of a sudden, a french fry half bitten in hand.

Seulgi’s answer is quick, undoubtedly rehearsed.

“I fell,” she stutters out, “in a concrete floor.”

“Right, a concrete floor.” Sooyoung doesn’t sound the least bit convinced, but she doesn’t insist. “You’ve been falling a lot lately.”

The way she scoffs at the lame answer makes Joohyun quirk up a smile.

“What can I say?” Seulgi starts. “I’m clumsy.”

When she looks again at Joohyun, the closed mouth smile is there again and warmth grows in Joohyun’s chest – how satisfying is to know something no one else does.

So yes, she decides she likes this group, but she mostly likes the way Seulgi’s knee is pressed against hers under the table, and the way Seulgi will meet her gaze and smile that special smile, that wisp of a grin that promises so much more underneath, each and every time.

  
  


-

  
  


Apart from some details, her days remain the same, quite boringly if she were to add, but there’s a small piece of Joohyun that sort of swells expectantly at every sunset. And when Seulgi appears with that same giddy smile on her window, she knows it’s worth it.

They see each other more often, too, even if it’s briefly, but after getting closer to Sooyoung and Seungwan, all they seem to do is push each other together like they know something Joohyun doesn’t.

It feels nice, she admits. She’s never been one of making friends easily, and despite everything, it’s nice to have someone else other than Yerim. Or more than only someone else.

  
  


-

  
  


“Hey, Joohyun!”

Joohyun falls on her tracks, kind of surprised at the sudden screech. She turns around, only to see Seungwan slightly breathless trying to catch up with her.

“Uh, hey!” she tries to sound as excited as she does, but she fails. Horribly, so.

“Hi!” Seungwan grins wider, sucking in a breath. The combination is weird, but kind of adorable if Joohyun were to say. “I wanted to talk to you about something.”

Joohyun frowns, and shifts her weight to the other leg, visibly worried.

“Is it urgent?”

“What? No!” the girls hastily adds, but the crinkle in her forehead tells Joohyun she’s probably still considering it. “I just want to know if Seulgi is okay.”

“Oh,” Joohyun breathes out.

“Yeah, she’s been acting kind of weird lately and I wanted to ask if you knew something.”

“Um, not really, no...” she trails off. It’s not entirely a lie, but it’s also not the whole truth either.

“Oh, okay. Sorry to bother you,” Seungwan says, still smiling and breathing heavily but she doesn’t make any movement that indicates she’s about to leave. Not only that, but she stares Joohyun more intently and there’s that feeling again – the one that tells Joohyun she knows something she’s not telling. “I’m just worried about her. We both know how Seulgi is.”

Too loving, too anxious, takes too much blame whenever things go wrong, really, and Joohyun knows that not only she, but their friends too wish that she could be kinder to herself.

She doesn’t say it out loud, though, only nods in understanding.

“Take care of her, will you? I know she trusts you a lot.” Seungwan’s words are gentle, and Joohyun wishes more than ever that she could just blurt out what Seulgi does at night so she won’t be carrying the weight on her own. Except she’s not selfish and she gives and gives and gives until she can’t take it anymore.

So what she does is smile, a silent promise that she will take care of Seulgi, that she wants nothing more than to do so, and says, “I trust her a lot, too.”

  
  


-

  
  


It’s right after the sunset that Joohyun decides to go to the tree house. It’s become a place she goes to when she needs some time to think, some time to herself, and it’s strange how a simple tree house has turned to be such a place of comfort when she hadn’t gone there in years before Seulgi took her again.

It’s a bit dark when she gets there, but a dim lighting comes from inside the house, a flashlight, and Joohyun snorts at herself for not considering Seulgi might be there too. And yes, Seulgi is indeed there, of course she is, but when Joohyun sees her, she’s sitting on _her_ side, against _her_ wall.

Seulgi smiles when she sees her and she says, “You can sit on my side if you want to.”

The words, so innocent, so nonchalant, tugs Joohyun’s sleeves like a breath of fresh air, but instead of soothing her, it just makes her insides shake. Change has never been kind to her, and even with Seulgi, even here, the anxiety doesn’t go away entirely.

Seulgi’s smile turns a little bit more sheepish, knowing exactly what she’s done, and she pats the free spot by her side. “Or you can sit here with me.”

And so she does. She can’t say no to Seulgi, she never did. Or maybe, she just doesn’t want to.

  
  


-

  
  


“We should play a game,” Joohyun suggests later that night, fiddling with her coat. She doesn’t know why she’s so nervous, that’s just Seulgi. And the more she tells herself that, the more she knows that that’s exactly why she is reacting the way she is.

“Like what?” Seulgi asks, tilting her head to the side.

She’s so close Joohyun can not only sense her skin against hers, but smell her light vanilla scent, feel her cold breath, can almost count the lashes of her eyes, and she has to look away in order to concentrate in what she’s about to ask.

“You said you wanted to get to know me better, but you can’t do that if it seems like you’re interviewing for a job or something,” Joohyun murmurs, shy like she was caught in the act, but Seulgi seems oblivious to the effect she has on her that she sighs in relief.

“So I’ve been told.” Seulgi giggles and takes out a soda out of her bag. Joohyun wants to wrap her arms around her and never let go.

“I thought maybe we could ask each other some questions. You know, to be fair,” she proposes, quirking up an eyebrow and for some reason, Seulgi does exactly the same.

“Like twenty-questions?”

“Or just question for a question,” Joohyun clarifies. She realizes as soon as she says that how boring that sounds and she has to bite her inner cheek to prevent herself from apologizing.

“It sounds good!” Seulgi says and even though Joohyun doubts she thinks that way, the bright smile she’s flashing doesn’t leave much room for imagination. “Okay, me first.”

“Go ahead.”

“Is your favorite color still purple?” Seulgi starts, grinning up to Joohyun, who lightly chuckles.

“It is,” she confirms. “Is yours still orange?”

“Yes.” Seulgi beams. “What’s your favorite thing to do during summer?”

Joohyun tilts her head, blinking slowly as if thinking about it.

“It’s kind of lame, but ice cream is the logical answer.”

“If you say so...” Seulgi weakly agrees.

“Your favorite movie,” Joohyun requests and barely a beat after, Seulgi excitedly grins.

“Any action movie would do.”

Joohyun laughs, loud and bright, and Seulgi frowns at her but her expression doesn’t falter.

“What is it?”

“It kinda suits you. You do have a terrible habit of getting into fights.”

“Well,” Seulgi sheepishly takes a sip on her soda. “Guilty as charged.”

It all turns quiet and although patient, Joohyun can’t help but feel nervous at Seulgi’s next question. She has that look on her face – the one that makes Joohyun’s stomach flutter anxiously but lovingly all the same.

“Have you ever been in love?”

The question is sudden and whilst expectant, Joohyun cannot say she saw _that_ coming. She chokes on thin air, a hand quickly settling on top of her chest to feel her erratic heartbeat.

“You’re really straight-forward, aren’t you?”

“Probably,” Seulgi bashfully admits. “But we don’t have to talk about it if you don’t feel comfortable.”

“No, it’s – it’s fine,” Joohyun hastily adds, burning red when she notices she’d reached out to hold Seulgi’s hand without thinking. She waits for Seulgi to pull back, but instead, she turns her palm up and slides her fingers together with Joohyun's, intertwining them. “I have.”

Twice, actually, and it’s a little mortifying to say she’s fallen for the same person _twice,_ so she hides the detail. Or maybe she only did once, but it never faded out – the feeling just stayed there, weaker, and she pretended it had gone away.

“Have you?” Joohyun asks back, carefully lifting her eyesight away from their joined hands to look at Seulgi’s face.

She only nods, tracing random patterns on the back of Joohyun's hand.

“It’s nice, isn’t it?” Seulgi’s voice is quiet, right above a whisper, but still clear.

“What is?” The older girl gulps, and she hates how she feels so exposed when with Seulgi.

“Love.”

Seulgi’s eyes bore into Joohyun’s, and suddenly, Joohyun feels like her air supply was cut in half. She inhales deeply, chanting to herself a desperate _keep yourself together_ over and over.

“Love is nice,” Seulgi adds.

Joohyun breaks a smile, and Seulgi’s eyes are so intense she can’t possibly imagine how can she ever power through.

“It is.” She tightens her grip on Seulgi’s hand, wishing that would be enough for Seulgi to _understand_ what she’s trying to say.

(And if her touch make Joohyun's heart beat a little faster, her smile a little brighter, well, she blames it on the late night's excitement.)

  
  


-

  
  


Seulgi has recently begun to text Joohyun.

It’s a new development and she is working very, very hard not to sound too formal. Yerim did say once she felt like texting Joohyun was like texting her mom.

So she tries, with much more effort than she probably should put in a simple text, and even sends a few emojis after a quick _have your parents been bothering you with college as much as mine have?_

There’s no reason to be this anxious over a simple text, no reason at all, but every once in a while, Joohyun finds herself turning her phone up to see if there’s a new notification even if she’s in the middle of class, and can’t help but sigh in disappointment every time she sees her empty notifications bar.

“Damn, you’ve got it bad,” Yerim snorts at her side, obviously noticing how restless Joohyun seems throughout class. And she’s not an idiot, Yerim doesn’t even need to ask who it is before simply saying it.

“No, I don’t...” Joohyun weakly argues, but Yerim’s quirked up eyebrow says she’s not the least bit convincing. “It’s nothing.”

And then Joohyun's phone vibrate on her desk and when she looks at it, she can’t contain the smile that forms on her lips once she reads the text _they have! it’s actually so annoying. i wish they were as understanding and supportive as you are._

“Sure it’s nothing,” Yerim bites back, laughing, and Joohyun bites her lower lip to make her excitement less obvious.

  
  


-

  
  


“Did you have a bad day today?” Seulgi asks, quietly.

She’s lying on Joohyun's bedroom mattress with a cushion to support her head, and even though she was supposed to be looking at the television – where a movie she picked for them to watch together that night is playing – her eyes easily find Joohyun’s, who’s sitting by her side with popcorn on her lap.

It’s easy for Seulgi to notice the distant look on her face – Joohyun admits she was never the best at hiding how she feels.

“Not really, just tiresome,” she murmurs, not taking her eyes off of the TV.

Her routine remains tight; a way she found to keep herself busy and balanced to deal with everything she’s been feeling lately. Anxiety, nervousness, worry… they all seem new, even if they’re not, but her busy schedule isn’t doing much anymore. At least, not how it did before.

“I’m here. You can rant all you want,” Seulgi offers in what’s supposed to be an honest sign of support, and Joohyun can’t help but giggle.

She’s not the kind of person who _rants._ She doesn’t even know how that works.

“I’m fine,” Joohyun insists and throws a soothing smile at the girl, hoping that would ease her curiosity. (Or is it concern? They seem too similar for Joohyun to know the difference.)

“If you ever need to vent, I’ll still be here. You can always count on me,” comes Seulgi’s voice once again, so unperturbed Joohyun feels like floating.

It’s not like she’s sad, or upset, or anything of the sorts, but Seulgi’s words hit a spot right above her heart, and the way she sounds appallingly kind and caring makes Joohyun want to be more of a friend to Seulgi, a better one, just like she is to her.

She takes her eyes away from the TV; considerate brown orbs still turned to hers.

“You can count on me, too,” she says.

Seulgi’s eyes crinkle in the corners and the sides of her mouth tug upwards as she answers, “I show up at your window at impossibly late hours almost every day, don't you think I know that already?”

She wants to say it’s not the same thing – asking for help for physical pain is hardly the same as asking for help to deal with emotional pain, but Seulgi’s eyes soften a bit after what she says, and Joohyun wonders if her late night appearances mean something more than a search for company.

  
  


-

  
  


The next time she sees her, Seulgi’s got a giant smile on her face and she’s extremely relaxed as she walks toward her on the locker hall.

(That seems to be the only place they talk on school by now, but she doesn’t want to sound desperate to ask if they could go somewhere else together.)

“Hey,” she chirps as soon as she gets close enough.

Joohyun closes her locker with a smile she hopes that can be matched with Seulgi’s and hugs her notebook to her chest.

She’s wearing gym clothes and with the sight of droplets of sweat running down her temple, Joohyun has to swallow hard to keep herself from staring.

“Hi, hello!” she stammers, slightly breathless.

“Hi,” Seulgi answers softly, a lopsided grin adorning her lips. “So, I was wondering if you’d come by the race field later.”

“Oh,” Joohyun breathes out, frowning at the question. “I wasn’t planning to… I don’t really like sports.”

“Yeah, I know that,” she chuckles awkwardly. “It’s just that, um, I’m gonna race today.”

A look of understanding flashes through Joohyun's expression, and she raises her eyebrows so high her forehead almost hurts.

Seulgi _did_ mention she had an important race coming up soon.

“Oh, yeah, your race,” Joohyun says, voice too high, breaking mortifyingly in the middle. She clears her throat. “I nearly forgot.”

Seulgi quirks up her left eyebrow as she goes, “You totally did.”

Trapping her lower lip between her teeth, Joohyun sheepishly nods. “Yeah, I did.”

“That’s okay,” she reassures sweetly, the smile never wearing off. “I just wanted to make sure you’d be there to see me. I really want you to go.”

“I’ll go. I promised, didn’t I?”

She didn’t, actually, she was kind of sleepy at the moment, but with how happy Seulgi looks with such simple words, Joohyun's sure she would have definitely promised it sooner if she knew she would shine like _this_.

“I’m glad.” Her voice is a tone lower, huskier, and as she reaches out for her hand, Joohyun can’t help but think she’d kiss it right here, in front of everyone, and she gulps with the thought, but Seulgi doesn’t. Instead, she places it on her own hip and snuggles her hand towards Joohyun’s to pull her closer.

Seulgi presses her cheeks together and before parting, she leaves a gentle kiss there.

“I’ll be looking for you.”

  
  


-

  
  


The crowd is restless and loud as Joohyun climb up the stairs to the bleacher’s seats, choosing the first empty one she sees – the closest to the track she could find.

A little too late for that, she wonders if she should’ve asked Yerim to come with her. She could use the company.

She’d arrived a little later than she should have, debating if she should finished her assignments once the race is over and she’s back home, but as soon as she finds Seulgi on the field with only a crop top and a sports short, completely focused in what she’s about to do, she’s quickly reminded that yes, that’s where she’s supposed to be. Everything else could wait.

It takes almost full five minutes for the race to start after her arrival and before it does, a tense silence engulfs the air. Once the starting pistol fires, Joohyun sees everyone surrounding her leap and scream, but she remains frozen to her seat, struggling to see Seulgi in there, spring into motion.

She slowly slides toward the edge of the seat, eyes binded to the black haired girl who spurs forward as if she’s flying, and she can’t look away.

In seventeen years of life, Joohyun's never seen something like this – someone running so fiercely yet so gracefully.

Seulgi truly has it all. The beauty, the talent. Everything.

And as Joohyun watches her in awe, she can’t help but wonder if that’s why she’s still in love with her after all these years.

For her grace while running, for how gorgeous she looks like this; carrying herself like wind blows in that crop top. No, that _can’t_ be the only reason, she needs to find a reasonable explanation. She's not going to say she loves Seulgi just because she looks too good wearing a crop top sports uniform.

Seulgi is much more than that – the kind of person who’d give her own food to someone who’s also hungry, who’d apologize for trivial things, who’d act bravely and humbly all the same.

Why does she still love her? Seulgi has numerous attributes Joohyun would judge as bad. For starters, she chews with her mouth open, she can’t be quiet for long and, lately, all she does is get into trouble and _fights_.

Then why, just _why,_ does she still love her?

Because she’s all that. She’s smart, caring, reckless. And she looks good in a crop top sports uniform.

  
  


-

  
  


She finds Seulgi about thirty minutes after the race ended, in a far off corner of the field. Her forehead is stained with sweat and when Joohyun sees her, she has her eyes tightly closed as she presses hard at one of her right ribs. It almost seems like she’s about to cry, but Joohyun can’t pinpoint why would she do that if she’d just won first place.

Carefully, she makes her way toward where she stands and this close, Joohyun cannot mistake the tears that form in the corner of her eyes.

“Congrats,” she says, lowly.

Seulgi’s head snap in her direction, open eyed as if caught in the act.

“Thank you.” It’s not much, but it seems genuine, even though she looks a little in pain.

“Are you okay?” Joohyun frowns, stretching out a hand to touch her ribs, but Seulgi quickly pulls away.

She forces out a smile – an undoubtedly fake one – and croaks out, “I’m fine.”

Joohyun doesn’t know if she should believe her, but she doesn’t dwell on it, because before she can, Seulgi’s breath levels up and her smile become just a little brighter, a little more real as she asks, “Did you see me out there?”

She seems happy, although extremely exhausted, and Joohyun mirrors the expression.

“I did! You were great.” She promises.

“Yeah, I was, wasn’t I?” she echoes, mostly in disbelief, but then she starts to talk about her training, and about how she wasn’t confident in that race but won even so.

(She's probably not going to say it out loud but Seulgi talking excitedly about her tracks is the most beautiful Joohyun's seen her yet.)

  
  


-

  
  


Later, when the bleachers are empty and everyone is celebrating the end of the race, the actual winner is nowhere to be seen, but none of the people there seem to be surprised by her absence.

Joohyun goes to find her, away from the locker rooms and there she is – hidden in an almost empty space of the field. Except she’s not alone.

Krystal Jung is also there, and she presses Seulgi to the wall with a devilish grin Joohyun wants to rip out of her face.

She waits for Seulgi to fight back, to push her way because if she’s not comfortable, that’s what she’s supposed to do… right? But she doesn’t. Seulgi just stays there while Krystal continues to smile and trace her collarbone with her index finger.

Joohyun gulps, waiting… still, Seulgi doesn’t do anything, and Krystal leans forward, as if she’s about to kiss her. Instead, her lips travel until they find her ear and she whispers something Joohyun doubts she’d be able to understand even if she was good at reading lips. It’s too dark to do that.

She sighs, biting hard on her lower lip incredulous. So much for not having a girlfriend.

For a while, she’s not sure what she’s supposed to do. And if Seulgi’s uncomfortable, Joohyun cannot see. She doesn’t want to – so all she does is turn around and leave.

  
  


-

  
  


When they see each other again a few minutes later the incident, back at the lockers room where everyone else is, Joohyun gives Seulgi another kind smile that almost hurts before saying goodbye.

“Won’t you stay to celebrate with me?” Seulgi asks when she turns to leave, softly gripping her wrist to prevent her to walk away.

“I need to go back,” she answers, half-hearted, and Seulgi lets her go. “I’m happy for you.”

Joohyun walks away with her back turned to the exit, slowly like she’s still considering it, not finding in herself the will to finally turn away, and Krystal is suddenly back at Seulgi’s side. She stares at Joohyun with something close to disdain, holding Seulgi’s waist possessively like she owns her, and even with every fiber of her body asking her to go back and say something, anything, she doesn’t.

She waves her hand one more time, and turns to leave. Her eyes are wet even before she gets to the door.

  
  


-

  
  


That night, when the sun has long set, Seulgi appears at her bedroom window again. She knocks once, twice, before Joohyun peels back the curtain to the sight of a terribly wearied Seulgi, who still gives her a red smile like she can’t feel a thing.

She struggles a little to climb the window once is open, and Joohyun instantly notices how she clings hurriedly at her rib, exactly like she did earlier.

Joohyun’s eyes flit over her tanned skin, the way that her cheeks always look slightly flushed below the pale moonlight, and to the corner of her lip where a nasty smudge of purple is blooming.

“You don’t look like someone who should be resting,” she breathes, rushing forwards, hands coming up to hold her, examine the wound – she stops with her fingertips just inches away from Seulgi’s face.

“I wasn’t planning to do anything tonight. Not after that race,” she weakly justifies, and Joohyun snorts.

“But you still did.”

Seulgi’s eyes flutter from Joohyun’s hand to her face. She brings her own fingers up to her lips, pressing gingerly before tucking her chin and averting her eyes, her breath stuttering in her chest.

“I was lucky. They took pity on me,” Seulgi’s voice is low and soft in the velvet air between them. She looks back up and Joohyun can’t help but stare at the way her lashes flicker so daintily like shy butterflies.

Joohyun’s brows crease. “Does it hurt?”

Seulgi shakes her head, glancing at the hands still hovering near her face. Joohyun drops them to her side, tentatively shuffling a little bit out of Seulgi’s personal space.

“Don’t worry about it.” Seulgi draws her brows together in a quizzical smile, tilting her head just so a few locks of dark hair cascade over her shoulder from the movement.

“I always worry about you.”

“And I always turn out okay.” She gives Joohyun a side smile, shuddering lightly at the pressure on the bruise in her lip.

The word _okay_ repeats itself on Joohyun's brain over and over, like a broken record, and she wonders why Seulgi chose that specific word to describe how she feels. It seems so vague – just like everything Seulgi does.

  
  


-

  
  


“What’s up with you and Krystal?” Joohyun finally asks, after debating over and over if she should.

They’re back in her mattress, watching a drama Seulgi once again picked, but to be honest, Joohyun’s been bothered about this since earlier, when she saw them together and she’s full of unanswered questions already.

It’s not really her place to ask, she’s well aware, but they’re friends now, aren’t they? And friends are supposed to tell each other these kind of things.

But then again, Seulgi never tells her much anyway. Joohyun still doesn’t know what she’s up at night, doesn’t know why she chose her window of all other people, of all her current friends at the time, and worst, she still doesn’t know why Seulgi stopped talking to her all those years ago.

Seulgi’s ears perk up with the sudden question, and she looks at Joohyun through half-lidded eyes, unsure and tense.

“Why do you ask?”

Joohyun shrugs. “It’s just… the way you act around each other is kind of weird.”

“Yeah, I suppose,” Seulgi agrees, but she’s distracted all of a sudden. Her hand is on the bucket of popcorn on her lap, but it doesn’t look like she’s bringing some to her mouth anytime soon.

“Everyone at school thinks you’re dating,” Joohyun adds, and she doesn’t really know why.

Seulgi’s shoulders slump down at the remark and she gives a bitter smile to Joohyun.

“They think they know a lot of things.” The answer is final and it’s obvious how she seems uncomfortable with the subject, but Joohyun is not satisfied yet. She wants to ask what is her real relationship with Krystal, why does the girl act different towards Joohyun like she hates her but they barely know each other, but she doesn’t. Luckily, Seulgi starts talking again. “You don’t have to worry about her. This will be over soon.”

Joohyun frowns, and echoes, “This?”

For a fraction of a second, Seulgi’s eyes are back at her, analyzing something Joohyun has no idea what it is, until the younger girl looks away again, diving back into the popcorn and focusing on the movie.

“Seul?” she calls out, and Seulgi merely hums in acknowledgment. “Why did you come to my window that first night?”

At that, Seulgi looks up once again – a wrinkle in her forehead not quite easy to read.

“I trusted you,” it’s all she answers, but she quickly corrects herself, “I _trust_ you.”

They are still tucked into corners across from each other, but close enough for Seulgi’s toes to brush against Joohyun’s leg and make her shudder with the contact.

“How did you know I was going to help you and not ask you to leave?”

Seulgi giggles like Joohyun had just told her a joke, but it doesn’t feel like she’s making fun of Joohyun. It’s more like a giggle of disbelief.

“You wouldn’t do that.”

“You had barely talked to me in years,” Joohyun points out, hugging her own arms. (The real question: _why?_ Why are you still here? Why _me?_ )

Seulgi breathes once, deeply, glances over to where their legs meet and repeats her words. “You wouldn’t do that.”

Joohyun doesn’t know how long they stay like this until her attention is back to the movie. She’s not sure about what just happened, but one of the characters are now lying down on the floor while another one is positioned at his side asking for him to wake up.

“You know, sometimes the inevitability of death really gets to me.” Seulgi announces, carefully, and puts the popcorn bucket (now empty) in the middle of them. “Like, can you imagine it? Someday, I’m going to experience what death feels like. Isn’t it weird?”

A lump finds its way to Joohyun's throat and she bites hard on her bottom lip, hugging herself tight. She doesn’t want to think about it, she really doesn’t.

Not a few hours ago Seulgi was bleeding, injured, and while it wasn’t very serious today, there were other days were it was more than that. There were days where Seulgi was soaked in blood, skin ripped apart, and barely able to stand up, so no, Joohyun doesn’t want to talk about death now. Not with Seulgi, of all people.

“Can we talk about something else?” she requests, and hastily grabs the remote to pause the movie.

Seulgi looks at her with an eyebrow raised, but she doesn’t question it. Instead, she nods and waits for Joohyun to pick another movie in silence.

  
  


-

  
  


A nightmare wakes her up in the middle of the night. Joohyun's breathless, her chest aches with the remembrance of such a vivid dream, and she’s glad Seulgi didn’t want to stay over that night. Her bed is drenched with sweat and she feels like crying all over again.

She feels like she’s reviving the dream, thinking about Seulgi lying in a hospital bed, unmoving. Thinking about the monitor that shows she has no pulse, about the look in the doctor’s eyes when he told her she wasn’t going to make it.

And then, Seulgi’s voice ring in her ear again.

_Someday, I’m going to experience what death feels like._

It’s not real, she tells herself, it’s _not_. But the fact that real and not real are not so far away from each other is what Joohyun fears the most.

  
  


-

  
  


It is supposed to be easier by now.

She's settled to the new routine, and she's already given up the idea that Seulgi would stop getting into fights. Or at least, to know that she'd always come back, that she'd always be okay, was supposed to make everything better. To make her feel better.

If she tries hard enough, she can let go of the fear. Their movie sessions could be just that – simple movie sessions.

It works, most of the time and in those moments, Seulgi curls up beside her underneath a comforter, and Joohyun hits her shoulder after complaining about her cold toes on her legs. Seulgi rests her head on her shoulder and holds her waist, despite Joohyun's complaints about how she's too cold to be hugging her and whatever fear she might’ve had is soon forgotten.

But then Seulgi comes back the next time and she's got a limp, or a bruise, or someone else’s blood in her clothes, and Joohyun is sure that this will never get easier, it would never get better unless she stops.

She never wanted anything more.

  
  


-

  
  


It’s another quiet Thursday Joohyun’s studying for a test when Seulgi comes at the open window.

When she enters the room, she all but collapses dramatically onto the floor, clutching tightly at her ribs and biting her lower lip hard – so hard Joohyun doubts that it’s bleeding because of the fight.

“What happened to you?” Joohyun rushes to her side, brushing strands of her sweaty hair out of her face. She presses the back of her hand against her forehead, and mildly shocked, adds, “You’re burning up.”

“I’m going to be fine,” she insists, although weak and shaky.

“Let me see,” Joohyun demands, holding the hem of Seulgi’s shirt to wait for permission. Once it’s granted, she slowly lifts the piece of clothing to show her abs, clenched tight for the pain.

With trembling fingers, she touches her abdomen and run a path until her fifth rib, fourth, and third until Seulgi cries out in agony.

“It might be broken,” she whispers, fearful, as she rests her hand there, but without any pressure on the area. Then, her memory flings back to that day after the race, where Seulgi was holding onto her rib cage tightly.

She wonders if Seulgi was feeling something back then and if she’s been hiding it this whole time. For it to hurt like that, it’s probably a while since it first got injured, avoiding treating it.

“I’m sure it’s not,” Seulgi stubbornly persists, and lightly pushes Joohyun’s hand away and tries to sit, wincing at every move she makes. “It just hurts like a bitch.”

Joohyun sighs, eyes brimming with tears. She stands up to look for something, but Seulgi’s hand quickly yanks her back and then she’s by her side again, with Seulgi’s face buried into her shoulder.

“Please don’t leave,” she whispers after some time, her words muffled.

“I won’t,” Joohyun says, squeezing Seulgi reassuringly. The cadence of her voice reminds Joohyun of the sea at night, the rippling waves reflecting moonlight. “I’m not going anywhere. I’ll stay as long as you want me to.”

“Don’t leave me,” she repeats, and it brings Joohyun a new wave of warmth that doesn’t come from Seulgi’s fever.

“Oh, Seulgi,” says Joohyun, and her voice sounds far away now, but, so, _so_ soft, “I won’t. I promise.”

  
  


-

  
  


Seulgi stays over that night. Not only because she literally can’t walk back home, but because Joohyun doesn’t let her. She knows Seulgi would refuse to go to the hospital even if she insists, so the best she can do is watch her and not let it get worse.

Joohyun insists for her to have the bed, and while she sleeps soundly, even though quietly, Joohyun doesn’t do more than blink. She stares, focused, and tries not to let her mind wander, but it’s useless.

It’s not until later when Joohyun opens her eyes once again that she realizes. There are tears in her lashes, making things crystalline, and now Seulgi’s figure is nothing more than a blur.

A quiet sob leaves her mouth, and she muffles her mouth with her hand, but it’s too late – Seulgi’s never been a heavy sleeper.

She blinks hard and pauses to look at Seulgi, moves her shaking hand from her mouth to her glistening cheeks.

The room is dark enough to keep Seulgi’s face obscured a little, the low beam of light shining over their heads from Joohyun’s night lamp.

“Hyun?”

“Hi there,” she whispers back.

The eye contact feels like a physical thing, and Joohyun can almost feel Seulgi’s stare like a feather.

“Are you okay?” Seulgi asks softly, undoubtedly confused by the sudden tears.

Joohyun clenches her jaw, eyelids fluttering. She gazes into Seulgi’s face, eyes flicking across her half-lidded eyes, her lips, soft and shiny.

Slowly, she slides her hand across Seulgi’s chest and it comes to a stop at a spot, palm flat against the skin there. Against her palm, Seulgi’s heart thumps and thumps, pace fast and steady.

“Yeah, I’m fine,” Joohyun hums.

She isn’t.

  
  


-

  
  


“Joohyun?”

The voice breaks through her train of thought and she blinks, bringing the kitchen back into focus. She hastily runs a hand through her wet cheeks, and tries to maintain her sobriety when saying, “Hey, dad.”

“Is everything alright?” the man asks. Joohyun can see his hesitation, like he wants to lean forward and maybe put a hand on her shoulder, but he doesn’t. He just stays there, staring.

“Yeah, all good,” she answers in what she hopes to be an even tone, but he doesn’t seem to buy it.

“You’re crying.” It’s a simple statement, but the fact that he just brought it back seems to waken a new wave of tears to her face and she starts to cry again, sobbing almost embarrassingly. “Oh, Joohyun...”

Surprisingly, her father opens his large arms and wraps them around Joohyun, a light yet comforting embrace.

She can’t even remember when was the last time they hugged, much more since she cried in front of him, and she wishes more than ever that she could simply _stop_ _crying_ _,_ but his hand is softly caressing her hair, and his chin is set on top of her head, and his arms are gentle and tender around her almost like saying _I’m here, I’m here, I’m here._

“It will be better, soon,” he says, _promises_ , and Joohyun likes how he doesn’t say things will be okay like most people do, because in fact, neither of them know it will. He simply says it will get better, and for once, Joohyun believes him.

  
  


-

  
  


Seulgi is gone by the time Joohyun wakes up. Her head throbs for the crying outburst from last night, but to see Seulgi had left, once again, is what hurts most.

  
  


-

  
  


There aren’t many things that can take away Joohyun’s peace and quiet. She’s known for her patience, her calm, but the day seems _too_ long, and it’s not even close to lunch break yet.

She can hear the whispers, some of them as jokes they’ve been going on and on since earlier. It shouldn’t bother her, but she also hears her name in the middle of said jokes, Seulgi’s name, and that annoyance creeping below her skin doesn’t make it any better. Without even noticing, she clenches her fists so tightly that her nails cut into the palms of her hands and she gasps with the pain when she realizes what she’s done.

Half moons are visible in her palms, and she stares at them for a little longer than she should because she can feel Yerim’s eyes weighting down on her. She doesn’t want to talk, she doesn’t need to, and suddenly, the noise around her vanishes and Joohyun finally looks up to see what’s going on and there she is – Seulgi, holding tightly into a single strap of her backpack.

Joohyun’s breath hitches, her throat too tight for her to be able to say something. Anything.

There are more bruises on her face – some that weren’t there two nights ago when Seulgi had came over to her house. Some too recent, like the purple and green shadows that make a path on her jaw until her neck barely hidden under the turtleneck.

“God, what happened to her?” Yerim whispers, her voice as surprised as Joohyun's expression.

Her voice breaks, chest filled with air when she replies in the same tone, “I have no idea.”

  
  


-

  
  


“What the hell do you think you’re doing?”

Joohyun can’t take it any longer. She pushes Seulgi into an empty classroom and corners her against the wall, silent tears running down her face when she notices the look on Seulgi’s face.

She looks so fragile, like any touch too strong might just break her.

“What are you talking about?”

“This!” Joohyun snaps, heartbeat so fast she feels like the organ might jump out of her body at any moment. “You could get yourself killed.”

“I won’t!” Seulgi frowns. “All is good.”

And Joohyun hates it – hates how Seulgi's voice is so dull and lacking in emotion that it makes her wonder how worried for her own safety the girl actually is.

“What aren’t you telling me?” Joohyun asks her, desperate. “I can see it in your eyes.”

Seulgi’s expression softens, but her brown orbs are dim and sad. The usual glow Joohyun used to see isn’t there anymore. It hasn’t been for a while. “So stop looking in my eyes.”

“Please, Seulgi,” Joohyun begs. The tears are not only two or three anymore, but full waves she can’t contain any longer. “Please, _please_ , tell me what is it. You seemed okay, and then you didn’t, and now I don’t –”

“I haven’t been fine for months, Joohyun,” she finally snaps and the first tear pools out of her eye, running through her cheek.

Joohyun breathes out – she’d never expected to feel so relief with an outburst like this. But she guesses it’s fair since Seulgi’s been bottling things up for a while and she’s glad she’s the first one to witness it.

“Tell me what I can do.” Joohyun rests her hands on the sides of Seulgi’s neck, and their foreheads touch just slightly, but neither of them dares to move away. “Please, tell me.”

Seulgi keeps silent, eyes tightly shut. Wondering, evaluating, considering… all of the above.

“I’ll text you an address later. Can you go?” she surrenders and Joohyun shakily agrees. “Okay, then. I’ll see you later.”

Seulgi is the first to make move to leave, but before parting completely, she leaves a kiss on top of Joohyun's forehead – longer than it’s probably friendly, just like she’d done before – and walks away.

(It’s an odd sensation, that flutter of _yearning_ and Joohyun relents. Wishing, hoping.)

  
  


-

  
  


Joohyun’s not sure what exactly she was expecting, but once she arrives at the address Seulgi sent her earlier, a gym is definitely not it. Or something close to being a gym.

It’s more like a storage unit and it has a single barbell, alongside with some weights and a worn out punching bag.

“What is this?” Joohyun asks, still confused.

Seulgi hides both of her hands in the pockets of her sweater, tilting her head to the side.

“It’s… mine.” It’s said with so much lack of confidence Joohyun can’t understand what any of it means.

The older girl takes a step ahead, looking around with curious eyes.

“I... I come here sometimes. To practice. For... the fights at night.” Seulgi sighs, and she clenches her hands tightly into fists, not really registering it until Joohyun takes them in her own grip. Her thumbs draw calming patterns on Seulgi's skin. “I feel like I owe you an explanation. Or a few.”

Joohyun frowns, but she meets Seulgi’s gaze in quiet support. "Okay."

She seems so small standing there, and her so visible injuries only makes her look more fragile than she actually is.

Seulgi reaches out for Joohyun’s hand and the latter doesn’t shy away from it. She holds it, and Joohyun feels how nervous she must be – her hands are cold and sweating.

“You can tell me.”

“Well, things are a little… different, from when we first met,” Seulgi starts. “And my brother’s the one at fault, mostly.”

So Seulgi tells her everything – she tells her about how her brother started drinking after her parents got divorced and how it only got worse with time.

Seulgi tells her about how he got into a few bar fights, and how she got in the middle of some of them when she came looking for him. And then she gets a little lost in her own words, slurring them together and all Joohyun can take from all of this are the words _streets fights_ and _quick cash_.

She tells Joohyun about Krystal, about how she helped Seulgi to find the right opponents, and people to place their bets on her because apparently she has great connections, and how after every time she tried to get out, Krystal threatened her and she fell right back into her trap.

Seulgi even tells her about how she ran into some guy not much older than her that she fought a few weeks back casually and how he got so mad for the money he’d lost that he pressed her into a wall, hands on each side of her neck to cut her air supply, right before she went to school, only to drop her on the floor and say that was only a _warning_.

Joohyun runs the back of her hand on her forehead, letting the new information sink.

“Then why not tell me?” she says in a tiny voice, a whisper.

“I was scared.”

“You run around fighting people and you’re telling me you were _scared?_ ” Joohyun grits her teeth, worry and anger setting in the pit of her stomach. “Scared of _me_?”

“Not of you… never of you.” Seulgi rushes to assure, hands reaching to touch Joohyun's, but she pulls back before Seulgi can. “Joohyun...”

“If you weren’t scared of me, then why not tell me before? I could do something, I could _help –”_

“You did! You helped me!” Seulgi argues, hands reaching once again, but when they touch Joohyun, she doesn’t pull back. She stays still, too confused to retract.

“I could’ve done more.”

“I was afraid.”

Joohyun is silent, eyes shining as she considers Seulgi’s words. “Afraid to be vulnerable with me?”

Seulgi caresses the back of her hand, trying to soothe her somehow. “That’s not what I said.”

“It sounds like that’s what you meant, though,” Joohyun insists.

Seulgi shakes her head. “That’s not true. It was more complicated than that, I promise. I trust you, Hyun.”

She takes a step forward, and without hesitation, she rests her forehead on Joohyun's. A shaky sigh escapes Joohyun’s lips and she finds herself leaning into the contact like a sunflower leans towards the sun before she can reconsider it.

Joohyun knows she should probably draw away, it’s for the best, but her fingers trail up and up until her thumb brushes at Seulgi’s jaw, so lightly she’s barely touching. Seulgi’s lips part, a weak sigh leaving them.

There’s that look again, the one that’s been driving Joohyun over the edge lately, making her consider things she shouldn’t, but Seulgi’s not pulling away either.

Her fingers move up, ghosting against the side of Seulgi’s face.

“Remember when you told me I was the most amusing part of your days?” Seulgi asks in a breathy voice. There’s no sign she plans to pull away soon, and she holds onto Joohyun's waist like she needs the support to be able to stand. Joohyun almost forgets to nod at the question because of the distraction. “You’re mine. You’re the best thing I have, except I don’t really have you, do I?”

Joohyun can feel her unsteady heartbeat, wonders if Seulgi can too, after all, they’re _so_ close.

“I’m sorry for snapping at you.”

“It’s okay.”

This time, Seulgi’s the one who holds Joohyun's cheek – touching gracefully like Joohyun is a fragile thing.

“Every day, I have to try and be good. But I swear, it’s getting harder. I’m just… I’m so angry and I’m sad and it’s getting so hard to be me.”

“I know,” Joohyun echoes. “I know. I’m sorry, Seul.”

She can feel the heat of her tears and exhaustion, she can feel her tremble under the stress of her life. And she tries as best she can to let Seulgi’s know that everything’s going to be better, it won’t be so hard anymore because she’s there now, she won’t be alone in this ever again.

“Krystal told me she was going to tell my mom I’m gay. And my dad, too, if Daehyun gave her his number. That’s what I was scared of, that I wouldn’t have a choice but to tell them when I wasn’t ready,” she whispers, hesitantly. “I was so afraid of what they could do, afraid my dad was going to kick me out so I fought to gain enough money to be able to provide for myself if it ever came to it.”

Joohyun doesn’t have the time to think about what’s happening, about what Seulgi’s actions mean, she’s too busy trying to make sense of her words, trying not to melt under her touch.

“I was afraid they would stop loving me.” The admission is said so lowly Joohyun doubts she’d be able to hear if she wasn’t standing so close to her. So heart-wrenchingly delicate in a way that’s been making her heart flutter wildly inside her chest more and more recently.

She’s never seen Seulgi vulnerable like this, so open, and it’s quite comforting to be the one she chose to tell this – even if it is now, after so much insistence.

"I know they can be distant but they wouldn’t, I’m sure they wouldn’t. So many people love you for who you are,” Joohyun tells her in a firm, soothing tone that leaves so little room for doubt. She gently squeezes Seulgi’s shoulder, her thumb brushing across her collarbone. The smile on Joohyun’s lips then turns so shy. “ _I_ love you.”

Joohyun feels Seulgi’s breath hitch at the quiet confession. Heat rises up on her neck and she bites down on her bottom lip, telling herself to stay calm when she notices the beaming smile Seulgi’s lips are threatening to form. “You do?”

Joohyun nods. Her hand moves and Seulgi holds in a breath, closing her eyes as it slowly slides from her shoulder to cup the side of her neck.

“Yeah, I do. A lot.”

Seulgi looks up at her and Joohyun holds her gaze for a moment, wondering that maybe if she looks hard enough, she might see the way she looks at Seulgi being reflected on Seulgi’s eyes when she looks at her.

But all she can see is a smile that is familiar and warm, and even though she tries not to read too much into it, she's neither blind, nor oblivious.

It just turns her into a bundle of all things confusing and troubled and full of _hope_.

“I love you a lot, too,” Seulgi softly replies.

Joohyun laughs of relief. Seulgi grins, cups Joohyun’s cheeks like she’s holding her entire world in her palms, and when she kisses her, Joohyun kisses her back like she’s a breathe of fresh air. She cups Seulgi's face, too, pulls her closer, and Seulgi brings her hands to Joohyun’s waist to do the same until there’s no distance between them.

When Joohyun comes up for air and pulls away, she does so with a smile that Seulgi mirrors. She’s laughing, relaxed, and happy, and she wonders when was the last time she felt so _good._

The moment doesn’t last long, though, because as soon as Joohyun holds the back of her neck to pull her in for another kiss, Seulgi’s already cursing under her breath.

“Shit, it’s late. Your parents will be mad at you.”

Joohyun giggles. “It’s okay. I can handle it.”

And she’s not sure she can, not really, but then Seulgi’s lips are on her once again and she finds out she doesn’t really mind.

  
  


-

  
  


The living room is dark and Joohyun can barely see anything inside the house once she closes the door behind her silently. On tiptoes, she tries not to make any sound that could possibly disturb and awake her parents as she walks to her room, but it’s useless. Somehow, her father is already in the hall – eyes red like he was trying hard not to fall asleep.

Joohyun draws in a breath, taking a step back awkwardly.

“Hi,” she mutters, embarrassed, and the man sighs. Relief, exhaustion? Joohyun can’t tell.

“It’s almost one in the morning. Where were you?” he asks, barely letting her breathe before bombarding her with questions.

“I’m sorry, I –”

“Was it your friend again? Is she feeling okay?”

Joohyun takes another step back, but this time, in shock. She had no idea he’d known about Seulgi.

“Did something happen to Seulgi?” he tries once again and is visible how worried he is if that’s the case, not only for Joohyun getting home late.

“No, nothing...” Joohyun says, unsure of where to start. She has so many question, but no cohesive words come out of her mouth. “She’s feeling better.”

It seems like a weight has been lift off his shoulders and he nods, bringing a hand to caress Joohyun’s shoulder.

“How did you know?” Joohyun manages to say, although lowly.

Mr. Bae doesn’t think about the answer twice. He merely snorts good-naturedly, and squeezes his daughter’s shoulder lovingly.

“It’s not like you were discreet at stealing my medical supplies.”

“I’m sorry,” she sheepishly admits, embarrassed.

“No, I’m the one who’s sorry, Joohyun. I wish you’d come to me, but I know I never gave you trust enough to do that.”

Joohyun raises her head to look him in the eye, not sure where this is coming from.

“I’d like to change that, if you want to,” he suggests and Joohyun brightens up.

“Yeah, it would be...” she pauses, searching for the right word. “Nice. It would be nice.”

It’s been so long since she’d wanted that, a moment of his attention, and now that she has it, she’s unsure of what to do next. Luckily, her dad seems to take notice at that.

“Joohyun, I know.”

It’s a blunt statement. A secure one, and there’s no room for doubt in his tone.

“About what?” she asks in a tiny voice.

“I know that you like Seulgi. I’ve known it for years.”

“Oh,” it’s all she can say, tripping on her own feet even though she was only standing.

“I want you to know I mean it when I said I wanted to change things. This too… I want you to tell me these kind of things, even though I’m not entirely sure I can comprehend,” he explains, softly.

Joohyun feels like crying. She might, actually, she can feel eyesight already blurry.

“I don’t understand a lot of things, but maybe you can help me,” Mr. Bae adds, holding each side of Joohyun's face before pressing a kiss on the top of her head.

Her shoulders drop, her heart light, and she realizes she was tense for a fight that apparently wasn’t coming anytime soon. And then she hugs him back – strong, tight, warm.

“Yeah,” she lamely says, half-laughing. “I think I can.”

  
  


-

  
  


Just as Joohyun is about to walk down the hall to go back to her classroom with Yerim, her attention is drawn to three girls, laughing loudly as they push and shove each other around while grinning.

They keep laughing, seemingly teasing each other and talking about something animatedly as Joohyun continues to watch them. A while ago, she would recoil into her shell and avoid them, but now, all she does is smile and wave at them.

“We were looking for you!” Seulgi says loudly and runs toward Joohyun, hugging her waist tightly until she’s being lifted.

“Put me down!” Joohyun asks, though she doubts she’ll be taken seriously with how bright her smile is, showing she’s not bothered by it at all.

Still, Seulgi does as told, but once Joohyun's feet are on the floor again, she presses their lips together before Joohyun can make sense of what’s currently happening.

It’s sweet, chaste, and Joohyun doesn’t quite know what to do with herself or with her hands until they sloppily fall on the back of Seulgi’s neck. Her lips are as soft, if not softer, than the last time Joohyun had kissed her, and sort of addicting too.

They kiss slowly, savoring the press of each other’s lips as they learn what the other likes and dislikes.

Joohyun pulls away from the kiss first but noses at Seulgi’s cheek, rubbing their noses together, “Good morning to you, too.”

Seulgi grins, still staring lovingly at Joohyun.

“Hey, lovebirds, you do remember you’re not alone, right?” Sooyoung’s voice brings them back to reality, and Joohyun is so startled she almost pushes Seulgi’s arms away from her. “We’re at school.”

“Yeah, we know that,” Seulgi confirms, but makes no move to pull away. Instead, she kisses Joohyun one more time – only a simple brush of lips before letting her go. “Can’t I kiss my girlfriend when I see her?”

Joohyun chokes on thin air, surprised at the title. They definitely didn’t discuss this before, but then again, they didn’t do much other than kissing ever since the beginning of the week.

“Your girlfriend, huh?” Yerim nudges at Joohyun’s side, and she groans in embarrassment.

“Leave her alone, Yerimie,” Seulgi says, and the term of endearment, although new coming out from Seulgi’s lips, make Joohyun's stomach flutter once she realizes how close they are now.

Yerim rolls her eyes good-naturedly, but doesn’t insist in the teasing.

"So, how is the happy couple?" It’s Seungwan who speaks this time, beaming happily at both of them.

Joohyun smiles then, late night movies while cuddling on Joohyun’s bed and not-so-subtle stares in between the halls washing across the forefront of her mind.

“We’re good,” she says, intertwining her fingers with her _girlfriend’s._ “Great, I think.”

At the same time, Yerim scrunches her nose and Sooyoung snorts. Joohyun laughs warmly once she remembers how both of them walked in on them in her house once, right before Seungwan arrived.

“They’re gross,” Yerim says, and Sooyoung quickly agrees with a nod.

Seulgi’s hold on her becomes stronger, while gentle, and smiles. “Gross is good, Yerimie. It’s great.”

Seungwan chuckles at Seulgi’s words and all of them do the same eventually. Joohyun follows Seulgi with her eyes and her smile becomes just a little bigger, a little brighter.

She looks so beautiful like this, laughing and smiling, Joohyun sort of wishes none of them was here to witness it.

“Don’t start drooling in front of us, though,” Sooyoung mocks, tapping Joohyun’s chin as if asking for her to close her mouth. The girl grunts, slapping Sooyoung’s hand away.

“Go away.”

But it feels right, all of them together like this. Like family. And Joohyun wouldn’t have it any other way.

  
  


-

  
  


Seulgi texts Joohyun later that night to ask if she could come to the tree house. To be honest, Joohyun doesn’t even know why Seulgi even asks anymore when all she can ever say to Seulgi is _yes, of course I can,_ and it’s pathetic to think that this is the person she’d become. Gross, like Yerim pointed out.

But then she thinks back to Seulgi, to her words earlier, to how long it took for them to be where they are now, and maybe she was right. Maybe gross is good.

  
  


-

  
  


The ladder creaks five minutes after she arrives there, and Joohyun shoots up, heart a nervous thump of anxiety. A known face appears, a smile.

“Hey,” Seulgi greets and sits at Joohyun's side, snuggling closer like she doesn’t know what personal space means.

“Hi,” Joohyun whispers, and without giving it much thought, grabs the back of Seulgi’s neck to kiss her.

It takes her some time of consideration, but eventually Joohyun coaxes Seulgi’s lips apart and carefully deepens the kiss.

They pull away before one of them pass out from lack of oxygen, but Joohyun shudders as she feels the soft puffs of air at her neck. Seulgi trails kisses down her throat, lovingly. Clutching Seulgi closer, Joohyun lets her do as she pleases, lets her latch onto the sensitive skin just beneath her ear.

“I told my mom,” Seulgi informs a minute later, hand finding Joohyun's and grabbing it nervously as some sort of support.

“You did?” Joohyun gently asks, feeling Seulgi’s nod against her skin.

“Yeah. About us, about Krystal… everything,” she confirms and pulls away. She doesn’t look as relaxed as she should be, but she seems better, at least, and that’s all Joohyun can ask for. “She’s taking care of it.”

Joohyun sighs, relieved, and brings Seulgi’s face up to rest her forehead against hers.

“That’s great, right?”

“It is,” the girl agrees. A beat of silence drags in the air and Joohyun can hear Seulgi’s nervous fingers tapping against the wood of the tree house.

“But…?” she starts for Seulgi to continue.

“She said I needed to move in with her. She’s angry that dad didn’t notice what was happening, and mad at Daehyun for dragging me along to his problems.”

“Oh...” Joohyun hums, and bites her lower lip. Her mother doesn’t live too far, but it’s not close either, so that means their movie nights wouldn’t be as frequent as they are right now. But that’s okay. At least, Seulgi’s with her family, she’s good and healthy.

“I’ll still sneak in through your window at night, don’t worry,” Seulgi says, giggling.

“Actually, hm,” Joohyun starts, not sure of how to continue. “You can come in through the front door next time. I think my parents would be glad once I introduce you properly, again, but as my girlfriend this time,”

“You think so?” Seulgi’s eyes light up and Joohyun softens with the sight.

“I do.”

She traces Seulgi’s face with her right hand, brushing her temple, her eyebrow, her lips.

“Also, I have something else I need to tell you,” Seulgi begins once again and Joohyun rolls her eyes jokingly.

“Coming clean with all of your secrets, huh?”

Seulgi laughs. “Sort of, yes.”

And then, Seulgi takes her hand out, setting it on her lap before putting a rock on her palm.

“What’s that for?”

“Hear me out first,” she asks, and the other girl nods, silently. “You told me you thought I drifted away from you because I figured it out how you felt about me, but it wasn’t that. I did drifted away, but it was because I was trying to shut down my feelings for you.”

Joohyun's eyes widen and she just stares, surprised. She did not see this coming.

“Wow,” she drawls. “You really are a massive loser, huh.”

Seulgi groans slightly, but she’s still smiling.

“Yeah, I guess I am,” she says with the absolute dopiest grin.

Seulgi grasps Joohyun's hands in her own and, slowly, she begins to lead their hands, knocking into the wood. She traces a curve over it, and a line, and then other, and another. It takes a while for Joohyun to understand what Seulgi is doing, but once she sees it, her grin is so wide she feel her cheeks might rip apart.

The names Joohyun and Seulgi, bordered by a freshly carved heart, glow brighter.

“It’s kind of cliché, but what are we, mere mortals, without some of it?” Seulgi asks, but Joohyun doesn’t turn to look at her.

Joohyun drops the rock, hears the clack of wood against stone, but her gaze does not leave the carving.

“I’m glad you came to find me.” _Back when you_ _first_ _moved in. When_ _you were hurt_ _. Every day._

Seulgi bumps her shoulder against Joohyun’s. “I’m glad to be here.” And Joohyun swears she can hear an unspoken _with you._

Joohyun laughs, a sound that comes way too easily whenever she’s with Seulgi. “Me too.”

A hum in reply, a glance. The touch of Seulgi’s hand against her own, the tree house that soon will be too small to both of them be inside of it. But it’s nice, it’s warm. It’s home.

  
  


  
  


  
  


  
  


  
  


  
  


**Author's Note:**

> comments are appreciated, as usual :)


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